One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I never sat down with my mother and told her that I am gay. I chose, instead, the easy option of writing to her and telling her that I was a homosexual.
Facing Mum for the first time after writing that letter, I felt very nervous as I travelled to her home. I hesitated several times before walking up to the front door, ringing the doorbell, and announcing my arrival.
What a shock I got when she came towards me with open arms and, as she gave me one of her wonderful hugs, heard her whisper, “I always knew, I don’t know why it took you so long to tell me.”
Not all my family was like mum, though. Some told me they were having difficulty accepting what I was because it wasn’t the sort of thing that happened to men in the area we came from. Hurtful words, but I already knew that the best thing I could do was to keep away from those who were upset by the life I was given, and let them live their lives as they wanted.
Over the years, I regained contact with some of those family members and, thankfully, have the changing face of society to thank for bringing us back together.
The fact that, in the past, there had been a few other men in the family who had never married never seemed to raise any suspicions that the family included gay people. It may have been discussed, but never while I was in the room.
I don’t know if any of those men ever ‘came out.’ Probably not, but it must have been tough for those who were gay when they lived. This made me more determined to live my life as I wanted and not as others expected me to.
Moving to live and work in London in 1986 was one of the most important decisions I’ve ever made. Although the city acted like a wall that seemed to shield gay people, I was still struggling to ‘come out.’
It was a strange situation because the first two jobs I took in London were in industries where other openly gay people worked.
When I took my next job, which would last 23 years, it took me six years to come out, and that was only when I heard the words “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” Of course, nobody cared that I was gay, yet for all those years I had been terrified of what some of my work colleagues would think about me had I ‘come out’ of the closet.
Fast forward to today, and being gay is widely accepted by much of society. Or is it?
When we moved to our current home in South Wales, both my partner and I felt a little hesitant about whether people would accept us. There are fewer residents here than in the area where we had lived for over 30 years. We were returning to that place where I’d been told that ‘being gay didn’t happen.’ We could not have been more wrong!
People have been so welcoming, and we’re as much a part of the community as anyone else. Strange, though, is that every now and again, when I meet somebody for the first time and am asked who the other guy who walks our dogs is, I find myself hesitating before saying, “He’s my partner.”
Maybe some of the scars from our past never heal?
All photos in this post belong to me, Hugh W. Roberts
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Your Mother sounds amazing. My uncle is gay but he didn’t come out until his late forties (after marriage and kids) and some of the family didn’t take it well, but I’m delighted that he is being true to himself finally
Yes, I only wish many other gay people could do the same. It’s a tough step to take, but one that will open so many new doors.
I have a son and I cannot imagine rejecting him because of sexual orientation. So glad your Mum embraced the real you, and that you have been able to live your life authentically.
Thank you, Molly. She stood by me at a time I most needed her and when other members of the family rejected who I was. Sadly, she passed away in 2015, but I still think about her every day.
Losing your mother is the worst. I lost mine nearly 10 years ago and I’ll never truly get ‘over it.’
No. It’s Mother’s Day, here in the UK, tomorrow. It’s now a very tough day for me.
Yes, and still very fresh for you. *Hugs*
Thanks you so much.
It must have been tough back in the 80s; much tougher than now. Yet even now there are some horrendous things said. I had the misfortune to be in a particular church for a short while, until a lovely gay man was told he couldn’t sing in the choir on account of his sexuality. Even now I get angry at such a statement. Best wishes to you both.
Thank you, Denzil, and am so sorry to hear that story of the church choir. It must have been devastating for that gay man. I hope he went on to another church where he was accepted as a human being who just wanted to sing.
I think most parents are intuitive enough to know if their kids are gay or not. Personally, I don’t understand the fuss. Gays don’t cost extra money or interfere with others’ lives, so why does this matter? As Thomas Jefferson once famously said, “That which does not rob my purse, nor break my leg, is of no concern to me”. Even here in the USA, which is a fairly traditional/conservative nation and in no hurry to bust any social mores, being gay is no longer thought of as a big deal.
That’s great to hear, Chris. However, only this week, I’ve heard several stories of people (mainly young) who have been bullied, both physically and via social media, shortly after they came out. One 17-year old girl actually took her own life because of the bullying she was receiving through her social media feeds and at school. I’ve also had to forward a few comments onto WordPress because of the threats I’ve received for writing and publishing this post. Thank goodness these events do not occur as often as they did, but there are still people out there who will incite hatred because of something they fear and do not want to accept.
Thank you for your comments.
Thanks for sharing your heart! This is one of the most heartfelt things I’ve read in a long time. What a blessing you are!!
That’s so kind, thank you so very much. Thank you for reading and commenting on the post. I really appreciate it.
A lovely and heartfelt post, Hugh. I can imagine that it was very difficult coming out then. Even in the current modern days I don’t think it is that easy. I remember when a friend of ours first told us, as a group of friends, that he was gay. He was so worried. I also had guessed years before. I think some of us are more attuned to people than others. Glad you have such a wonderful Mom.
Thanks for your comments, Robbie. It was difficult back then, but nothing compared to the days before homosexually was decriminalised in the U.K. I can’t imagine what it must have been like back in those days. However, we’ve made huge strides over the last 50 years, but there is still a lot to be done.
What a wonderful post, Hugh! It must have been such a hard thing to tell your mum. I can’t imagine having to go through that. Or having to live a lie and pretend all your life that you are something you’re not. When my husband’s brother came out and told his parents, who were devoutly Catholic, his Dad didn’t even speak to him for two years. That was a long time ago, and they are reconciled, but even so, He has never mentioned a partner or introduced one to the family in all the time I have known my husband. Thats about 16 years now, nearly 17. So sad. I just can’t imagine why it would matter. I love my sons no matter what, so long as they’re happy and live good lives. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sure it will help a lot of other young men who might be in a similar position. Xxx
I hesitated to tell her many times, Ali. Then she goes and tells me that she always knew and asked why it had taken me so long to tell her. I wasn’t expecting a response like that but, at the time, coming out to friends and family was very rarely talked about. Not that I’m saying it’s easier to do these days because it saddens me when I read and hear of people who are bullied or who are cut off by family because of who they are. It’s hard to put my finger on but there’s still that element of fear in me when somebody asks me who John is. Of course, I should not worry about it at all, but there are still people out there (as I’ve discovered just from writing and publishing this post) who will tell you that you should be ashamed, beg for forgiveness, and even say they help convert you. 😳
Thanks so much for your comments. I hope your husband’s brother will one day share his love for another person with you all.
Such a shame that there is still that tiny bit of doubt. Its nobody’s business but yours, after all. And how does it bother or even affect anyone else? I never understand such negativity and rudeness. I can’t believe that you had such a response to this post, Hugh. Some people are just evil, and it’s usually the religious ones, I’m afraid. But you are strong. And you have a lot of support. Xxx
I do, and in more ways than one. If it wasn’t for the support I get here on my blog and throughout the blogging community, I’d never have published that book. 😀
Thanks, Ali.
xx
I love how you write about “the life you were given”. I am not gay, but that’s not a choice either. People forget sexuality isn’t a choice. And kudos to your mum and her reaction! Loved it :)
Thank you, Samantha. I’ve had one comment from somebody who said they could convert me. Of course, I ignored it and marked it as spam.
Seriously? That’s… really rude (of them, not you – obviously). Just, wow… Some people. Makes me feel kind of bad for them, because they’re so small-minded.
Biggest hugs to you and John from across the pond, dear Hugh! Thank you for being YOU!! An authentic life is yours, my dear! Cher xo
Thanks very much, Cher. Hope all is well with you in snowy Chicago. ☃️
xx
Thank you, Hugh! All is well, thanks! Snow is packing its bags! *LOL* Cher xo
Wonderful post Hugh and so pleased that you are now in a place both location wise and time when you can openly express your love as a couple. I am afraid that there will always be those who feel they have a right to comment on other people’s business and they are usually unhappy individuals or those who have been indoctrinated over the years. Fabulous mum and now you have all the years stretching ahead of you to make her even prouder as an advocate for others.
Thanks, Sally. I’ll certainly never allow those who condemn and incite hatred towards the LGBT community to be heard. I’ve had some heart-wrenching comments left on this post, and it saddens me to read them. Today, it certainly is easier to express your love for a person of the same sex, but many people still fear coming out to family and friends. It shouldn’t be like that anymore, and I’d support anybody who finds themselves in that dark closet.
Thank you so much for your comments.
Stereotyping people then condemning them because of prejudice always bothers me. If you know how to love, laugh and care, shouldn’t that be enough? x
It should, Sue, but some people will never see it that way. It’s easier now, but I still hear and read frightening and sad stories on the news of people who come out and then face dire consequences because of who they are. I was lucky that my mum stood by me, but many still aren’t as lucky as me. I’ll carry on spreading the love, though.💛
I know. It isn’t just this one issue that attracts that attitude, though. Any kind of ‘different’ creates and attraacts prejudice. I’m glad your Mum was there for you… I know many are still not, though hopefully upcoming generations will find coming out easier. x
Thank you for posting this, Hugh. Much of what I feel has already been said by others. I’m grateful for those brave souls among us who face their fear and do it anyway, for these are the voices who will change the world for the better. Know that you are loved for who you are 💜
Thank you, Tina. I’ve been told by several people that I was brave to write and publish this post. Barve? I don’t think so. I’ve had a few comments I’ve not been able to publish and have had to forward on to WordPress, but you are right with what you say about love. For me, that is what this post is all about, yet some people can still incite hatred out of it. They will never stop me from writing about love.
Thanks so much for your comments, Tina. 💛
Welcome, Hugh. May we always keep our hearts open… 💕
Don’t feel bad about telling your Mum in a letter, Hugh. I’m sure she was just glad that you finally told her.
P.S. I must be the only mother in the world who didn’t know her son was gay. He sent me a letter from summer camp when he was 17. The only bad thing was that I couldn’t talk to him until Visiting Day :)
Thanks, Aimer. I’m sure you’re not the only mum who never guessed. Take a friend of mine, Jamie. He’s worked on a construction site as a plumber since he left school and his mother never guessed. It wasn’t until he met his partner on site and brought him home to meet her that she knew. Not the way I would have done it, but at least his mother cried tears of joy that her son had at least met the love of his life.
That’s the important part :)
I am so glad people are taking this for granted now. Never understood why anyone cared .
We’re getting there, Linda, but, unfortunately, there are still people in our world who choose to incite hate simply because somebody happens to love a different way to what they do. I’ve even had to forward a few comments on to WordPress because of these people. However, I never allow those people to intimidate me.
What a warm and heartfelt post, Hugh. I’m so glad your mother was the powerful woman she was, and so relieved that the world has finally made some strides (finally!) in accepting that we love who we love, and LGBT is just one way of many in which we are diverse. I’m looking forward to the day when no one has to “come out,” when we can just be ourselves. Love is something we need more of in this world. Beautiful post. <3
Thanks, Diana. I agree with what you say yet, unfortunately, while we’ve made big strides over the last 30 years in accepting Gay people for who they are, there is still a lot of work to be done. It saddens me that people (especially young people) still take their own lives because of the implications of what happens after they came out to family and friends. However, we’ll do all we can to support those people who fear coming out and have to live their lives as somebody else.
Thanks so much for your comments.
I know there is still a ways to go. I live in a community where half of us accepting of people regardless of differences and half are religiously narrow-minded and ruled by fear. Making sure that our LGBT kids feel safe and loved is a top priority.
Exactly, Diana. And you’re so right about fear ruling fear.
I don’t comment on here often, but wanted to comment and say that I think it’s a shame that gay people are afraid to admit what they are. I understand why, since most people aren’t willing to accept them for what they are, but I still think it’s a shame. Especially since, while it’s not something that was discussed openly, due to how socially unacceptable it was considered throughout most of history, it’s not like people being gay is a new concept.
Thank you for your comments, Victoria. I agree it is a shame that gay people still fear coming out to friends, family or people they’ve only just met. Only today, I heard of a 17-year-old school girl who had taken her own life after coming out to some of her school friends. In an interview, her father said that shortly after coming out, she had been physically bullied as well as receiving death threats on her social media feeds. Even in today’s world, it seems some people can still not accept people for who they are. It doesn’t happen often, but I can see why many gay people still fear telling people that they are gay.
That’s so sad… Such a shame.
What a beautiful post. I’m glad your mom was so accepting. I’ve been surprised by how accepting some of my family members are as well when they find out I’m also part of the LGBT community. :)
Thank you, Lydia. I think it’s easier now to accept somebody who comes out gay, as much of our society has accepted that gay people do exist. When I first came out, things were different and I can’t imagine what it must have been like during the days when homosexually was considered a crime.
I’m so pleased to hear that some of your family have accepted you for who are you.
Yay you Hugh. I’m so glad to learn your mum was so accepting. And for those who aren’t, just keep walking. There will always be some of those judgmental people around not liking something or someone or other. :) <3
As I’m still discovering, Debby. However, I don’t react to them. I’ve sent a few comments on to WordPress.
xx
My nephew in High school tells me not only do people come out at the drop of a hat, but being gay/bi/uni etc is considered chic. Who knew we would live to see the day being straight was considered boring?
That happened to us about 20 years ago. We lived in a block of flats, and the new neighbours above us told us that as soon as they heard a gay couple lived in the flat below, that they had to buy the flat. They were a nice couple and even didn’t mind the noise we sometimes made when coming home late or having a party.
My cousin came out to the rest of the cousins during a family reunion then spent the rest of the reunion annoyed that he could have invited his partner and it wouldn’t have been an issue, at least not with our generation. The older generation took a little longer to adjust their thinking, but thankfully not too long.
Good to hear your cousin was accepted as the person he was. I’ve had a few comments on this post where somebody was totally cut off by the whole family. It’s such a shame that it can still happen in the present day.