One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I never sat down with my mother and told her that I’m gay. I chose, instead, the easy option of writing to her and telling her that I was a homosexual.
Facing Mum for the first time, after writing that letter, I was very nervous as I travelled to where she lived. I hesitated several times before walking up to the front door, ringing the doorbell, and announcing my arrival.
What a shock I got when she came towards me with open arms and, as she gave me one of her wonderful hugs, hearing her whisper the words “I always knew you were gay, I don’t know why it took you so long to tell me.”
Not all my family were like mum, though. Some told me they were having difficulty in accepting what I was because it wasn’t the sort of thing that happened to men in the area we came from. Hurtful words, but I already knew that the best thing I could do was to keep away from those who were upset by the life I was given, and allow them to live their lives as they wanted.
Over the years, I regained contact with some of those family members and, thankfully, have the changing face of society to thank for bringing us back together.
The fact that, in the past, there had been a few other men in the family who had never married, never seemed to raise any suspicions that the family had gay people as a part of it. It may have been talked about, but never while I was in the room.
I don’t know if any of those men ever ‘came out.’ Probably not, but it must have been difficult for those that were gay at the time they lived. This only made me more determined to live my life how I wanted and not the way others wanted me to live it.
Moving to work and live in London, in 1986, was one of the most important decisions I’ve ever made. Although the city acted as a wall which seemed to protect gay people, I was still finding it difficult to ‘come out.’
It was a strange situation because the first two jobs I took in London were in industries where other openly gay people were employees.
When I took my next job, which would last 23-years, it took me six years to come out, and that was only when I heard the words “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” Of course, nobody cared that I was gay, yet for all those years I had been terrified what some of my work colleagues would think about me had I ‘come out’ of the closet.
Fast forward to today, and being gay is something much of society accepts. Or is it?
When we moved to our current home in South Wales, both my partner and I were a little hesitant that people would accept us. There are fewer people here than where we had lived for over 30 years. We were coming back to that place I’d been told that ‘being gay didn’t happen.’ We couldn’t have been more wrong!
People have been so welcoming, and we’re a part of the community as anyone else. Strange, though, that every now and again when I meet somebody for the first time and am asked who the other guy is that walks our dogs, I find myself hesitating before saying “he’s John, my partner.”
Maybe some of the scars from our past never heal?
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Hugh's Views & News 
I loved how gently you explained this like you are still taking care of others feelings more than your own, I so understand what you are talking about. My sister is gay and in her mid 60’s still uncomfortable about being in certain social situations. People are not kind to anyone not like themselves. There are still so many places on the planet that just can’t seem to get that this is normal. It’s not something you choose, it’s just who you are. I am so sorry that so many are so ignorant and you have to deal with it. Our family was not kind either in the beginning. We finally determined that we have an uncle that is gay but rather than be honest, he lives a lie and hurts everyone around him. I’ll take the open, honest approach every time. Thanks for being the brave soul you are. Keep teaching one mind at a time.
Thank you so much for your comments about this post. I agree, there is still a lot of work to be done in getting everyone to accept that being gay is a way of life rather than a choice. I’ve even had one person tell me that he could convert me. Of course, I ignored his comment.
It’s very difficult coming out to one’s family, but can be even more difficult once you have told them. Luckily for me, I had my mum. And, I’m so glad I made the right choice by telling her and the rest of my family so I could then lead the life that was meant for me.
An inspirational and brave post Hugh.
Thanks, Lucy. 😀
Interesting post, Hugh. My son did tell me he was gay – well, he wrote on a bit of paper and passed it to me in the kitchen. My reaction was the same as your mum’s. I had realised a long time before he told me and was always careful not to ask those ‘have you got a girlfriend yet’ questions.
Yes, times are changing, things are improving but he grew up in a small rural town where attitudes change more slowly and it was tougher for him than he let on at times.
Glorious beach for dog walking.
It was very much the same for me when I came out, Mary. Small community and ‘having a gay in the village’ was as if I’d grown two heads and had turned evil. I think many mothers are tuned into their children’s feelings and know much more than children think they know. I’m not so sure when it comes to father’s, but I could be very wrong.
Yes, we live in a beautiful part of Wales. Toby, our dog, loves the beach. Even though I dislike the feel of sand on my skin, I’ve grown to enjoy the beach as well.
Thanks so much for your comments.
❤ Great post Hugh. Things have changed so much, but there still needs to be more, especially here. I want my friends to have the same chances and opportunities re marriage etc as everyone else. That day is coming 🙂
Thanks, Juls. I agree, especially in Northern Ireland where Gay marriage is still not allowed. However, we’ve come a long way on this road and will continue with the work.
Very good and important post Hugh!
Thank you. Sorry to read about your computer problems. I hope it’s all sorted out soon.
I will just have to buy a new one…
A friend of mine died at the end of last year. He was 98. I’d known him for about 20 years, and it was only in the last five or so that I realised he was gay. Only then because I stumbled across some material he’d left lying around. Of course, when I did, a few things seemed to click into place in my mind.
Even so, he never told me he was gay and I never broached the subject with him. As far as I was concerned, that would be his choice to make, not mine. John was a very “proper” person, still insisting on wearing a suit and tie every day, even though he’d been retired for over 30 years. We went on a trip to New York together a few years ago, and the song Englishman in New York could have been written for him, as he walked down Fifth Avenue in a three-piece suit on a blisteringly hot August morning.
What struck me when I realised he was gay, though, was how accepting society is today, and how that must contrast with the larger parts of his own lifetime. Born in 1918, for half of his life, his sexuality was actually illegal, something that must be hard for younger people today to even comprehend. Even after the change in legislation, it was still frowned upon and made fun of for a long time. So it’s no wonder he never formally came out. Things are not perfect yet, Hugh, but they are a damned sight better than they were.
Great post.
Thanks for sharing your story about John with me, Graeme. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to have been gay back then. I remember watching ‘The Naked Civil Servent’ for the first time and how it didn’t help me in coming to terms with my own sexually. However, as time went on, it stuck with me and gradually began to help me realise that I was not going to change and that I should live my life how I wanted to. I actually moved to London in 1986, not only because I’d fallen in love with the city but because I really felt it was protecting me. I always dreaded leaving the city and I now look back and see just how lucky I was to have spent 27 wonderful years living and working there.
Things are certainly a lot better for gay people now, but there are still times when I can feel threatened because of who I am. Fortunately, it’s rare, but those scars I suffered when I did come out to my family do still sometimes come to the surface because I allow them to. I don’t think they will ever heal, which is why I wrote and shared this post. I hope it helps those who may find themselves in the same position as I found myself 30 years ago.
What a wonderful mum you had, Hugh. I’m glad it’s getting easier, but I think we are still too far behind in accepting things that are a part of normal life. Whomever we choose to love shouldn’t affect anyone else or make them feel uncomfortable. Small minds.
Indeed, Eloise. That’s why I was so lucky to have a mum who accepted me for what I was. I can’t imagine what it must be like for gay people who come out and then find they have nobody to turn to after taking the courage to say who they are. What happens when we make any important decision can so go on to affect the rest of our lives. I was lucky, but many aren’t.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
Thanks, Elizabeth. We’re very happy in our new home. It’s a beautiful part of the U.K. Thank you so much for your comments.
Happy Sunday.
xx
I imagine it is a tough decision. Well done for being brave. What about travelling to other less liberal countries, does that present difficulties?
Yes, but common sense tells us not to visit those places where our very lives would be in danger. However, even today, we still get told when booking into a hotel “you know it’s a double room, don’t you?” In one instance the hotel changed the booking from a double to a twin room, but quickly changed it back again when they were happy we had not made a mistake.
I think some wounds run deep. Every now and then something triggers another little bit of healing. I wonder if this is what happened to you. Sometimes I find myself in a similar situation (in my case it has to do with infertility). I have come to recognise it as another layer of releasing. Your new home sounds just perfect. May you all be very happy and blessed there.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I appreciate your words and wish you the happiness and blessings you have given me.
Thank you Hugh. We have two wonderful sons adopted from overseas. Grown up now. Would not have it any other way – we are so blessed to have them in our lives.
First, your beachfront looks amazing! Congrats! Second, it is always fascinating to read how a gay person came out. I got tears in my eyes reading your mom’s reaction. I have personally lived with this…my youngest brother came out to me 20 years ago. I told him I wasn’t surprised. I do think it gets easier as time goes by, but I live in California, where anything goes and nobody bats an eyelash at anything these days. In my former line of work, many colleagues were openly LGBT, and our college department chair is a gay black man. My brother was terrified to tell our dad, but he accepted it better than our mom did (my mom was disappointed she wouldn’t have more grandchildren ), eerrgg. Thanks for sharing this, Hugh, may the world just accept human beings for who they are. (Sorry for this disjointed rambling, I’m on my tablet and one false move could erase it all!
Thanks, Terri. I must say that we love our new home. We’ve been here a whole year next month and have loved every second.
I probably should never have doubted what my mother would say, but I was fearing fear itself, and that’s why it was so difficult for me to come out to her. The reaction was the best I could have hoped for and it certainly swept away the hurtful comments from other members of my family. I knew the best thing I could do would be to keep myself away from them, but that unfortunately also meant I couldn’t always see mum.
There’s still a lot of work to be done in the acceptance of being gay, especially in some parts of the world where being gay is a crime. However, I’ve seen such a big change in my lifetime and I hope and pray that the changes taking place will one day be implemented everywhere and that gay people all over the world can live their lives without the fear.
Very sorry you had to delete a comment on your post. I never understand why people want to be offensive about love. I do understand that hesitation about telling, because we all have times when we worry about what others may think, how they may hurt us with their response. In the end, we should never let their small hurtfulness impact on our greater happiness. Be true to yourself and never deny love – it can be lost so quickly.
Thanks, Claudette. I’ve had various comments I’ve had to report to WordPress over the years I’ve been blogging. When I published this post I had already made myself ready for those comments. I no longer allow them to hurt me or make me want to delete the blog. I’d lose too much by doing that, just like you say in your final comment.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Good for your mom!
Thanks, Jan. 😁
It takes a lot of courage to come out. Congrats to you!
My ex-husband’s two brothers are gay. One came out and the other did not but he passed away years ago. He knew his parents would not have accepted the fact. The second brother came out much later after his parents were deceased. Sad to say, but there are many out there who cannot accept differences. I respect people who can stand up for what they believe in as you did. Kudos to you and you and your partner, may you be happy living the way you chose. Blessings & hugs, Hugh! xxoo
Thanks very much, Janice. Lots of comments similar to yours about people who could not come out and tell their families they were gay. We’ve moved on a lot over the years, but there is still a lot of stigmas attached to being gay. I hope my words can help those who find themselves in situations through no fault of their own and for the way they want to live their lives. Somebody else mentioned that sometimes it’s all about the fear of fear itself. Love is a beautiful part of life and should be celebrated regardless of who somebody chooses who they show their love for. I appreciate your comments.
xxxx
Amen to that, Hugh! Blessings & love! Xo
Courageous post, Hugh 🙇 and a daring life 💜.
Thanks, Florence. I had no hesitation in writing and sharing this story with readers. I’ve had a few comments I’ve had to report to WordPress, but from the very beginning of starting this blog, I knew I was opening up myself to people who would not always agree with what I had to say. It’s such a shame that some people will never give their views in a courteous and respectful manner.
Hope you are well?
I am indeed, and wishing I had more time to write 😊 Change happens sometimes slowly… one person, one family,… at a time. You are a change agent 😚
Hi Hugh,
You knew I would respond to this post. How could I not? I won’t spoil the story, but my anticipated book three will be my coming out journey. I will say, your story is very similar to my Anthony’s. His family knew before he did and accepted it.
Again, I don’t know you that well, I certainly do not know the laws in England. For years, when the subject would surface on same sex marriage, Anthony and I would state we weren’t interested. As long as we had legality to own property together, and take care of each other in a case of emergency, the rest didn’t matter. I will now attest, since it is now legal in the U.S., we did marry. First with a civil arrangement and then when Florida made it legal, we were married in our Episcopal church. Being married goes beyond the legality, it is an emotional acceptance of ourselves. It is a commitment that your relationship goes beyond the legal responsibilities. The marriage is now a spiritual commitment and a blessing from God (e.g. Sacrament of Marriage).
If it is or it becomes legal for same sex couples to marry, I hope John and you will seriously consider it. You will never regret it and it will change your relationship with each other for the better. Marriage truly is a blessing and a communion of love between two people.
Thank for being brave and sharing this post. God Bless.
Thanks for your comments, Chuck, and congratulations to Anthony and you on your marriage.
In the U.K (except in Northern Ireland) people of the same sex can now legally get married. John and I had our civil partnership in 2006 and whilst many of our friends have upgraded their civil partnerships to marriage, we decided not to. The reason is because for many years Gay people fought for civil partnerships and the right to declare their love for each other and we didn’t want to leave behind what we had fought so hard for. Many Gay couples have done the same as us and we get the same rights as a married couple do. At the end of the day, it’s a personal choice for two people to make but, whichever way couples decide to go, we all now know that we can bless the love we have regardless of who it is for.
I wish Anthony and you a very long and very happy marriage.
Thank you so much for reblogging and sharing my post with your readers. I hope they enjoy reading it as much as you did.
Your mom sounds terrific! One of my best friends came out to us 30 years ago. None of the four of us thought any less of him, and accepted him fully, he was the same person. His family though? Disowned him. At his funeral, they were all there. I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy of them, grieving for the son they lost, when they were what drove him to leave. I miss him dearly.
Sadly, that is a story I hear all too often, even in today’s world. I can’t imagine what it must be like for somebody who has come out and found they have ended up having no one to turn to. Thank goodness your friend had you and your family.
Back in the early 1980’s was the first time I had encountered anyone gay. Being in the Army, there were quite a few lesbian women amongst us. Once I had got over my fear (for some reason I thought that they would try and ‘convert’ me, which was the way of thinking back then). I realised that there was nothing to be scared of at all! In fact. I ended up going to a gay pub in Southend with them on New Year’ Eve, which was fun. Anyway, it was a small camp with only around 30 women and 100 men, and with 1/4 of the girls being gay, it meant less competition for the guys!
I think that times have moved on for the better now, and there is no longer such fear and misinformation about being gay. After all love is love, no matter who it is with 🙂
I knew somebody who worked on a building site and when the other guys found out he was gay, they all thought he was going to jump on them. Never crossed their minds that Jamie didn’t fancy any of them. We’ve come a long way now, Judy, and you’re so right in what you say about love. However, there is still some stigma out there. I was even contacted by somebody through my blog a few year’s ago who said he could convert me to a heterosexual. I passed his comment on to WordPress.
I am glad you passed that idiot’s comments onto WP. Who does he think he is?
He’s long gone, Judy. Never saw him again anywhere on WordPress. I’ve had a few rude comments over the three years I been blogging. If it’s not about my sexually then it’s about my dyslexia. These people do all they can to provoke you; some even hope they’ll get you to delete your own blog. Crossed my mind a few times in the early years but with the help of reading a lot of posts about dealing with trolls, I’ve overcome those worries and now ignore those comments and pass them to WordPress.
I am sorry you had to go through that, Hugh. I can’t believe people are so horrible.They must lead sad little lives!
That’s why they do it, Judy. Fortunately, they are rare. If you ever encounter one (and I hope you don’t) just ignore them.
I will keep that in mind Hugh should I have the misfortune to encounter them.
It has always fascinated me on what people choose to disapprove. I have always felt what couples do is their own business. Relationships should be of the heart and not of the opinion of others. Good post, Hugh.
Thanks, John. I appreciate your comments. Looking forward to seeing the views from your neighbourhood later.
Ignorance is so frustrating. Your mother had the same reaction as Philomena! Have you seen it? I loved that movie.
I have and, although I didn’t really want to watch it, I loved the movie.