How many friends have you had during your life? But how many of those were what you would call ‘Best Friends?’
Friends come and go. Some enter and exit our lives quickly, while others stick around for a long time.
Over the 60 years of my life, I’ve had many friends. Three of them stick out more for various reasons. But why? You may be shocked when you find out.
Tasmin – Friend or foe?
I don’t cry much, and it’s hard for me to do so, but the breakup of this friendship had me in floods of tears for the wrong reasons.
The day Tasmin joined my team at work, we clicked. We’d have been years ahead of the awful TV show ‘Marriage at First Sight’ if it hadn’t been for the fact that I was a gay man and she a straight woman.
We enjoyed working together, but most of all, we enjoyed our nights out. Tasmin loved the gay bars; she always felt safe in them, but I didn’t know our friendship was taking us down a dangerous path.
October 1987
As soon as I picked up the departmental telephone, Tasmin’s face told me that the call was something I’d never have expected, and she knew it was coming.
“Leave my wife alone, or you’ll end up in hospital,” were the first words I heard.
“Pardon me! Have you got the wrong number?” I asked.
“Is that Hugh?”
“Yes.”
“Then no, I haven’t dialled the wrong number…”
I was so shocked that I couldn’t respond. I won’t repeat the rest of the words from the other end of the phone line before it goes dead.
Although I’d never spoken to or met Tasmin’s husband, I had a horrible feeling he had just made the threatening call. Tasmin must have mentioned to him I was gay, so why on earth would he believe I was carrying on with his wife? Crossed wires?
I watched as Tasmin walked away. That feeling that she seemed to know the call was coming stayed with me for the rest of the day, unlike Tasmin, who had just walked out of my life for good.
The following morning, my boss called me to his office and told me that the company Tasmin worked for had moved her to another work location. She’d requested to be transferred immediately.
“Had I done anything wrong?” I asked my boss?
“Why? What do you think you’ve done?” he asked.
“Break up her marriage?’ I asked while shrugging my shoulders.
My boss’s look told me he was shocked by what I’d just told him.
“You’ve been sleeping with Tasmin?” he asked.
“What do you think?” I responded.
I never saw Tasmin again and, for weeks, wondered why her husband had threatened me instead of the person she was having an affair with.
Tasmin had told me about the affair not long after we met. At first, it was all about the excitement, but that changed the evening she introduced me to him. Like Tasmin, Tom was married. The wedding ring was a giveaway.
“This is Hugh, my best friend,” she’d told him. “It’s not him I love, it’s you.” Those words seemed to propel me to dizzy heights before bringing me down to earth with a bump. I’d had a few ‘best friends’ when I was growing up, but this was the first time somebody had told somebody else I was their ‘best friend’ in front of me. It was the first I’d heard the love word, though.
“Promise me you won’t tell anyone about Tom,” Tasmin asked. I kept my word and didn’t tell anyone. After all, we were best friends, and I had shared secrets with her that I believed she’d never shared with anyone else.
Many months after Tasmin exited my life, I felt not only scared that her husband was still pursuing me, but I also thought I’d lost my way in life. I felt lonely without her in my life. Our paths would never cross again, although I saw Tom a few years later with another woman on his arm. Wife or new girlfriend? I had no idea, and I didn’t want to find out. Fortunately, he passed me by without recognising me.
Neville – A friend for life?
Neville was the best friend any gay man could have, at least that’s what I thought when I first met him over a mug of tea and a slice of cake in the staff canteen. I hadn’t long moved to London, so he took me under his wing and decided he wanted to look after me.
“Don’t worry, you’ll be safe with me,” he said in his sexy ‘Gordie’ accent.
“Safe?” I asked.
“Yes, safe. Safe from all the homosexuals who work here and want to get you into bed.”
I was shocked by that statement, but it wasn’t long before we laughed while attracting other people’s attention.
And, yes, I was safe with Neville, but probably too safe.
As our friendship developed, Neville and I went just about everywhere together. If Neville was there, I wasn’t far behind. Rumours started, and it wasn’t long before people began gossiping that we were sleeping together. And they were right, but not sleeping together in the way they were thinking.
I loved Neville, but more in a brother-like way rather than a partner, or so I thought.
Our nights out together were always memorable. Although we were attracted to the same men, this never caused any problems.
We laughed, joked, danced, took London by storm and got the most out of what the city offered us. As I mentioned, although we often stayed with each other after a night out, there was never any talk or desire to do anything else but fall asleep together in bed.
But something else threatened the foundations as our friendship deepened—and it wasn’t another man!
We seldom went out without one another, but what I thought made Neville more special to me than anyone else was the jealousy I felt whenever, on the rare occasion, he’d go out with somebody else rather than me.
That may sound strange, given that no love existed between us. We were just terrific friends, but the thought of Neville doing something without my knowledge was probably what I later believed to be blind love.
I started getting jealous of Neville’s other friends. I wanted him to myself. I kept asking questions, such as why they were trying to take my best friend away from me, and I couldn’t work out why I felt so jealous of him going out on nights out with other people.
Finally, I found myself distancing myself from Neville. I’d go out of my way to avoid him while trying to make him think I was going out with other people. I wanted to make him think I had other friends to see if he’d be jealous.
As the months went on, my life went downhill quickly. Everything suffered because of the situation I’d got myself in over Neville. I would sink even lower if I didn’t tell him the problem.
“I’ve got something to tell you,” I told him as we sat alone in my flat. It had been long since we’d both been alone with each other without anyone else in the same room.
It took a lot of courage to then tell him how I felt.
“I think I need help.” were my final words.
When I saw the first tears trickle down his face, I only wanted to hug him. I was more concerned that he’d storm out of my flat, so I was shocked when I saw the tears.
“Oh, my god! Come here and give me a big hug.” I did not expect these words.
We stayed up talking all night that night. Just before daylight, we drifted to sleep in each other’s arms.
The following day, everything seemed to be back to normal between us. Talking had helped.
We picked up our friendship and promised to look after each other, and what developed was more of a brotherly love between us.
Seven years later, I sat at the back of a cold, dark church as I said my final goodbye to Neville. Convinced I’d broken my promise of always looking after him and being there for him, I’d decided the back of the church, away from his family and other friends, was the best place for me. I was heartbroken and couldn’t understand why he’d been taken out of our lives so early.
Although Neville’s life ended too soon, as the months after his death went by, time taught me that I was doing it all wrong. I should be celebrating what life had given me in having such an extraordinary best friend like Neville, not being depressed. I had much to be thankful for in knowing what being and having a best friend was all about. Thirty years later, in the present day, Neville still brings me many happy memories. Others may have forgotten him, but I never will.
Janet – The shortest friendship of them all?
Janet and I got on so well that she even introduced me to her parents when they unexpectedly called into the office where we both worked.
What was strange about the introduction was that Janet didn’t introduce any other staff to her parents. That evening, while having drinks in the pub near the office, we joked about it.
Although I’d taken Janet to my flat a few times, it never dawned on me that she felt threatened being alone with me. After all, she knew full well that I was gay. However, what I didn’t know was that it was me that was in more danger, not Janet.
Janet liked everything I did. She liked anything I wore, the pictures on the walls of my flat, even the bedding on my bed. She’d even compliment my choice of towels and crockery. Sometimes, she was the only one that laughed at my jokes. I sometimes felt like some kind of god to her.
“Why don’t you introduce me to your parents?” she announced unexpectedly one day.
“Because they both live in Wales and, anyway, I don’t have any contact with my father anymore since he found out I was gay.”
“I can still meet your mother.”
“I’ll introduce you next time she comes to London,” I responded. “Is there any reason why you want to meet her?”
Janet never did meet my mother, which I was thankful about. Janet knelt and proposed to me the night before my mother arrived in London.
At first, I thought it was a practical joke, so I looked around for the hidden TV cameras while laughing out loud. But when the atmosphere turned tense after I finished laughing it off while wiping away the tears from my face, I knew Janet wasn’t joking.
Three months later, I moved to a new area in London and got a new job.
Back in the 1990s, nobody would have believed it if a gay man said he was being stalked by a woman.
Like Tasmin, my path never crossed Janet’s again. But I was thankful for that.
Notes from the author.
‘Thank you for being a friend’ is the theme of the 1980s classic TV sitcom ‘The Golden Girls.’ If you’ve never seen that show, it’s friendship at its best.
‘Friends are an essential part of life. Without them, life may not seem essential.’ – author unknown.
I’ve had many other friends, but I wanted to share Tasmin, Neville, and Janet’s friendships with you today to show how different friendships can be.
While we can’t choose our family, we can choose our friends. As with anything else, caution should be taken whenever somebody new comes into our lives and shows more than a healthy interest. The signs are there. It’s just a matter of wanting to see them.
I often think back to friends who were a part of my life and wonder what happened to them. Sometimes, we get to the part of their story where we exited, so we don’t find out. And even though most of my past friends will never read this post, I want to thank them all for the friendship they offered me, even when that friendship simply taught me important lessons about people and life itself.
Next month: – Nights out. Nightlife is a vital part of a young gay man’s life, but it doesn’t always go to plan.
If you enjoyed this entry, you may also enjoy reading, ‘True Stories: Gay Memories – The Day My Life Changed.’
Last month, In this series, the subject was Family. Click the link below to read it.
True Stories: Confessions Of A Gay Man – Family
Coming out to my family is one of the most difficult things I have done in my life.
I faced varied reactions that led to estrangement from some but eventual reconciliation with others.
In this post, I highlight some of the ups and downs of family acceptance of somebody being gay.
Please feel free to ask me any questions by leaving me a comment.
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Hugh's Views & News 
Wow, Hugh, who needs to watch drama on TV after I read this? Friendships are so tricky. I’m sorry for the loss of Neville who was like a brother, that’s probably the cruelest fate of all. I appreciate reading your honest account of these friendships. All had a bit of threat mixed into them.
Over the years I’ve had many best friends, but time and circumstances change them. My two longtime friends who still live in Northern Cal call often and have even visited us. And of course I meet Marsha through blogging–she’s more like a sister. Over our lives, I just feel blessed to have had friendships, even if they come and go. A thoughtful and fascinating read. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I’m glad you enjoyed these three snippets of my life, Terri. My life was like a rollercoaster back in the 1980s and 1990s when these three friendships occurred. I did start writing a book about that part of my life, but it’s been sitting in an archive file for many years, untouched. One day, I may go back to it.
This was a fascinating read, Hugh. And I feel very sorry that you lost Neville. I don’t know if you were still close friends after those seven years or not, but it must have been hard nevertheless to be “forced” into the end of such a wonderful friendship.
As you know my lifestyle is very different than most and a tad less ordinary, so friendships come and go a lot. Yet, I still have some good friends in Belgium and a few I made along the way. Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to keep people close to my heart, because I rarely see them.
I totally get what you say, Liesbet. When you’re on the move, you don’t usually have enough time to get into friendships. However, change brings lots of new people into our lives and the thought of all those new possibilities is something I always savour.
Because I moved to a different part of the country, I didn’t see Neville as much as I wanted during the last few years of his life. And it was all before the time of social media and the popularity of mobile phones and the internet. He missed all of that, but in a way I’m glad he did because I don’t think our friendship would have been as close as it was had it been around.
Tasmin – WTF happened? I hope she reads this and explains because I got to know now!
Neville sounds like a great person. It’s always the good people that get taken away from us. I was just 19 when I lost my first best friend. It sucked so bad. Strange how I just come across a picture of him yesterday while cleaning out a junk drawer.
Life is filled with curve balls, right?
Tasmin? I hope not. I can only presume she was giving her husband mixed messages and using me as a decoy to try and hide Tom. Whatever happened to her, I hope she went on to find the love of her life as I don’t think it was her husband at the time.
If Neville had still been alive today, I know for certain we’d still have been best buddies. I do still miss him. I’m sorry you lost you’re best friend at such a young age. Maybe coming across photos of people from our past are their way of telling us they’re still with us? Who knows.
Your probably right about Tasmin.
I like the thought about finding the photo.
Close friends are hard to come by, and for whatever reason, to lose them is unfortunate. Complicated relationships don’t seem to last due to misunderstandings and misconstrued judgements. I had a different set of friends when single than I do being married. I feel as we go through life, change has a lot to do with maintaining friendships. There will always be challenges to existing in harmony, some not within our control.
Thank you, Hugh, for sharing this blog post, because many can relate and learn from your experiences.
That’s a good way of looking and describing friendships, Eugi. Friends certainly come and go, and I guess much of that could also be down to moving location or even jobs. Thank goodness for change, yes?
I’m glad you enjoyed this post. Friendship is a subject that I think all of us could discuss quite openly.
It’s an excellent post and topic, Hugh. I enjoy posts many can relate to in real life.
Having friends is essential in life, and losing friends always hurts – regardless of the reason. I’ve lost friends to death, to distance and to the discovery of the truth. I think death and distance are easier to accept.
You know, I think you could be right, Dan. But I guess it does also depend on whether you see that friend again after a friendship ends because of truth. In my case, the breakup of the friendship with Janet was much easier to handle than the death of Neville.
Death is always hard, especially when we’re young.
Friendships are complicated. I have my buddies, who I like to hang out and do fun things with, but I seldom share anything too personal with them. Then, I also have those friends who I tend to be more open with and share my innermost feelings. It’s a rather interesting situation, but I don’t want to give up either. I still consider my wife my best friend. We enjoy our time together as well as our individual friendships.
I think many of us have the same groups of friends as the ones you described. I think best friends are the ones we can share anything with, and they share everything with us.
My best friend is also my partner. Not only do we enjoy each others company but also our lives living together. He reads most of my blog posts and left me the first comment on my blog when I started my blogging journey. These days, he tends to discuss my posts with me rather than leave comments.
Very sad stories. One of my best friends when I came to UNC was an academic in the Biology department. John and I had great times together and I really never thought about the fact he was gay. We took a trip to a meeting in England and had a wonderful time, sneaking out of the meeting to return to London for a stage show and having an after the show meal at the Ritz. My husband liked him, too, and told me I would be safe traveling with him. I still miss him – he died of AIDS about twenty years ago. His funeral was a huge bash at his house – he planned all the food and the music because he wanted all his friends to have a good time.
I much rather celebrate somebodies life than be depressed about it. It’s good to know that your friend John not only had a wonderful impact on your life but that he also wanted everyone to celebrate his life when he passed away. He sounds like a party person.
Thank you for sharing your story of John and your friendship with him. It sounds as if you two had wonderful times together. I love the story of sneaking off and going to London to see a show and then a meal at the Ritz. How wonderful. I bet a whole movie could made out of that day.
It could have, in addition to walking almost all the way back to the hotel we booked until I had to walk barefoot because of my shoes. Actually I had booked the hotel because I had stayed there before and I knew John would like it – 80 years old porters, bathrooms with claw-footed tubs, and a tea room where John had tea with ‘ladies from the Argentines!” He knew how to enjoy life to the fullest.
My goodness, he sounds an amazing man. I wish he’d written a book about his life. It would have been a best seller.
Yes, he was quite the character – handsome to a fault, kind and caring.
It is so difficult ot lose a friend when there is actually nothing wrong between both of you. I have had two best friends. My best female friend and I are friends for over 40 years. My best male friend and I are friends for almost the same time. We all know each other form highschool. Unfortunately, my friendship with my best male friend got restricted in painful ways due to his jealous girlfriend he met decades after we have become friends. However, there is this bond between friens and that is a soul to soul bond no matter where everyone is in this world.
I’m sorry to hear about the jealous girlfriend, Erika. It’s such a shame that a third-party can ruin the friendship between two people especially when that friendship was already in place before the third-party came into their lives.
If Neville had still been alive we’d have been best friends for nearly 40 years. It’s a blessing to have friendships that last so long in our lives.
I agree, and it was a tough lesson for me to learn to accept the situation and let him live his life. It took him so long to finally find a new partner… but I had not expeted one who pushes me out of his life. First, he defended our friendship but after a while I became the dark secret since he was tired of the discussions with her. I learned to accept that life has crossroads. We took each other so far and now it was time to split ways in some way. The task was done. However, when my husband and I visited California this year, all of a sudden we were her best friends… oh, well 😂
I wish you could have had that gift. It truly is one to have a more or less lifelong friend. But then again, it is important who is with us now whether for a few days or decades.
Well, I’m glad she seems to have have changed her attitude towards you, Erika. I guess that sometimes it just takes time, but why put yourself and other people through all of that? I suspect there may have been a bit of jealousy going on. I guess she was at a crossroads when she first met him and found out about his best friends and chose the wrong path to go down.
Oh, a lot of jealousy… on both sides. So, at one point, I thought, I don’t need that. A healthy decision for both, him and me.
I’m lucky in that my husband has never been jealous of any man I was friends with! Gay or straight! I guess he thinks he’s such a catch that no man can compete. Lol! I lost a couple of close friends over the pandemic and since then, I’ve felt a little lost. Blogging helps fill that void.
Blogging certainly came into its element during the pandemic. Online friends can be as important as those we see face-to-face.
And I’m so pleased to hear how your husband has never been bothered by the males friends you have. That’s exactly how it should be, and likewise for wives whoese husbands have female friends.. I think Tasmin’s husband was probably getting lots of mixed messaging from his wife. I wonder what she actually told him? I’m glad I never got to find out.
Isn’t life strange… We, each of us, seeks out friends for so many different reasons and we can never really be certain that the reasons are compatible. I so do appreciate that you share your experiences, Hugh. xx
I’m glad you enjoyed these three snippets of my life, Annette. And I agree that life can be strange, but I always try and enjoy the experiences rather than complain about them. For me, it’s all about learning what life is all about. I hope I still have much to learn before my ‘best by’ date arrives.
What an interesting topic Hugh. There is so much I could write but am not a good writer. Friendships can be so simple and easy and other times … tougher, as though it’s being forced. I don’t know how to explain it right.
I married my best friend. We had known each other for 3 years before becoming romantically involved. This week will be our 30th wedding anniversary, although we’ve known each other for 42 years. We didn’t rush things. HA!. It’s been quite the ride and has gone by so quickly. He is the love of my life.
I have a friend who I’ve known since we were both 13. We can drift apart, just getting caught up in other things in our lives and then call each other and it’s as if no time has gone by. Her sister and I are close too, she was 11 when we met. I’ve heard that people you are close to from childhood to your early 20’s are people you tend to trust your entire life. I believe there is a lot of truth to that.
Another friend of mine I met in the early 2000’s. We hit it off from the get go. (I consider this friend and the two mentioned above, and my husband the closest friendships I’ve ever had.) We met walking our dogs in the morning. We’d stop to talk and finally started walking together. We walked 6 days a week for 1 1/2 hours and then would get together with our husbands on weekends sometimes and holidays. Our dogs had play dates. Cute huh? She passed away from Covid. She was one of the most gentle souls.
Other friends have come and gone. Some I still miss. Like you I occasionally think about these people and hope their lives went well and were happy.
Well, that sure was a long winded comment wasn’t it? Take care Hugh, and be well.
Thank you so much for sharing your ‘friendship’ stories. I was hoping that readers would share some ‘friendship’ stories, so I’m delighted you have.
Happy 30th wedding anniversary. I’m so pleased to hear that you married your best friend. When I think back to my best friend Neville, who I mentioned in this post, I do believe that we could have married (once the law allowed us too). However, it wasn’t to be, as life had other plans for us.
I’m not in touch with any friends from my childhood days, although I do have a couple from my early twenties. That was the time I moved to live and work in London. If Neville had still been alive, I’m positive we’d have still been best friends.
Being the owner of two dogs, I know full well how friendships can build up between dog walkers. We’ve met many new friends through walking our dogs. And I can’t remember a day where we’ve gone out with the dogs and nobody has not taken the time to talk to us. Dogs seem to be magnets for striking up conversations with other people. I’m sorry to hear that your dog walker friend passed away with Covid.
Thank you so much for your lovely comment. It’s what blogging is all about and I absolutely love it when people leave comments like the one you left here.