I probably talk or think about death more often than others.
I don’t talk about sex as much as I do death, but is that a problem when entering the autumn years of your life?
Many people I know don’t like talking about death. Do you? Many don’t enjoy discussing sex but is it easier to talk about than death?
Is it odd or natural to think and talk about death and sex simultaneously? You tell me.
Once upon a time, sex was a subject people didn’t like talking about. I’m going back to my early years here when sex was a hush-hush subject, almost taboo.
There was little information available about sex while I was growing up. The reaction I once got from my elders when I asked, ‘where do babies come from because I know the stork doesn’t bring them?‘ was like watching the faces of those watching the gory scene in a horror movie. ‘Is it something about a man and a woman solving a puzzle?‘ I went on to ask.
When I asked those questions, I got looks of shock, horror and embarrassment. My grandmother walked out of the room while my mother and father tried to change the subject quickly.
Lockdown talk
During the lockdown, my partner and I talked about death. But it was only while updating our wills. We couldn’t get past the point where we would talk about our deaths and what we wanted to happen when that time came. ‘We’ll talk about that another day,’ I told myself, yet death can come to any of us anytime. Can you imagine the problems we cause by not talking to each other about death?
Although nobody likes talking about death, we read, write and watch it happening in books, on television, in theatres and cinemas. It seems natural when reading, writing or watching it, but when talking about our deaths or the death of somebody we know, there comes the point where I hope somebody else will take the lead, and the subject will quickly change.
Why am I talking about death?
I have written about death here, but the truth is that what I call the otherside of death (where the person dying is not me) is approaching; it becomes a subject we can’t avoid. I have an aunt who is nearing the end of her life.
At 95 years old, some say my aunt has had an excellent innings. She loved life, but she wouldn’t like the life she is now living. I think I followed her for the love she had for life. However, she has spent what is left of her life in a hospital bed for the last three months. Her final words to me before she went into a deep sleep were, ‘I want to go home.’
I can relate to how she feels. Whenever I have been ill and not at home, I’ve always wanted to go home. If we allow it, being in familiar surroundings can help. Well, it always works for me. But does it help when nearing our final days?
As she faded in and out of consciousness, my aunt reacted to some voices in her hospital room yet ignored others. I wondered if she could choose which voices she wanted to respond to and which she chose to ignore? Does she have any control over what she hears while her life slips away?
Why do some people die quicker than others?
Truth be known, I wouldn’t say I like watching my aunt’s death being so drawn-out. The family all agree that she’d hate to be at the point she is – having to live the drawing out of the last days of her life in a deep sleep in a hospital bed. ‘There’s nothing else we can do for her except keep her comfortable,’ the medical staff tell us. ‘But keep talking to her because hearing is the last sense to go.‘
Really? Is hearing the last thing the dying sense? How can they possibly know? Have some of these staff lived previous lives, or has somebody who has left this world told them that’s what happens? It seems odd to say. I can not work out how they know.
When my father died in October 2020, his death was swift. He died within 24 hours of being taken ill. There were no weeks of being unconscious in a hospital bed. Yet when my mother died in September 2015, she took many weeks to die after we were told there was nothing else they could do. Why do some people die quickly, yet others seem to take weeks, months or years to pass?
Are those who have long-drawn-out deaths having to pay for what they may have done during their lives, or is there something or someone who has overall control over how long it takes for us to die? Do some linger because there is some unsettled business to attend to, or do we have no power over how long it takes to take that final breath?
Where do we go just before we die?
Years ago, I believed there was a waiting room we entered when dying. We sat there waiting for our name to be called before going through another door that took us on our next journey. Some remained longer in that waiting room than others. But while we wait, we are occasionally permitted to briefly go back through the first door to check what is happening in the world we are leaving. Perhaps we’re not quite ready to go because we’re waiting for somebody to come and say goodbye?
I’ve often asked myself why my mother took so long to pass away. Did she not want to go, or was she told she had to wait her turn? In life, we queue. Do we have to queue to die?
When we die, are we leaving behind those still alive, or do the living leave us behind?
I probably talk or think about death more often than others. Many people I know don’t like talking about it. How often do you talk about death?
Perhaps I should have talked more about sex? But would anyone have wanted to discuss it with me?
What are your thoughts on why we dislike discussing death or sex?
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Hugh's Views & News 
During the last few days of my late husband’s life, he wasn’t aware of what was going on around him. After seeing him like that for three days, I realized that since he was such an organized person, he needed to know I had everything under control before he left.
So, on the last day of his life, I brought my guitar and lap top to the nursing home. After singing his favorite songs, I took his hand and told him all arrangements were made and we just needed to set the date for his funeral. I assured him that although I would miss him, it was okay for him to go. I then powered up my lap top and started working on his obituary. The next morning, he was gone.
What a lovely story to share with us. It adds to my belief that some of us can choose when to start our next journey, although we may wait to leave before we know everything is done and wrapped up in the life we are leaving.
I think sex should remain private between two consenting adults. As for death, we are born to die, and die we eventually will. It’s no use being in denial, and as we get older it makes sense to organise a will so that everybody in the family knows who will get what. My mother got me to organise her funeral six months before she actually died. It was quite a relief not to have to do it at the time of her death.
Good to hear your mother had already arranged her own funeral. I know how much of a relief that must have been. My stepfather did the same, organising his and my mother’s funeral. I helped with the paperwork and sent it all off for them. Within a year, they had both passed away.
Thanks for joining the discussion and also for linking to this post.
It just seemed strange to organise my mother’s funeral while she was still alive.
I know what you mean but look at all the relief it gave you when arranging the funeral.
True…
Sex and death are only linked by their undiscussability, and the fact that sex leads to conception which leads to you know what. Oh, and I guess there’s the ‘little death’. But death I find fascinating, it defines us all. I could talk about it for hours, my problem is, who with? As regards your question about hearing, my guess is that nurses have noticed a reaction to sounds in the dying, at a point when they no longer respond to visual stuff.
Same here. I could talk about death for ages, but probably more about what there is after death. There are so many versions of what happens. I wonder which is true, or perhaps we all go on to different outcomes?
Thank you so much for joining the discussion.
Yes, that fascinates me too.
Death of loved ones are so painful. When it’s murder then you can’t get over it.
That is one of the worst kinds of death – being taken when our time is not up.
Yes…murder is worst kind of death. My grandmother and father was murdered by my aunt for some property issues.
I’m so sorry. What an awful experience to have witnessed.
Yes it is awful and painful experience.
Hi Hugh – these are very thought-provoking questions. I think most people don’t want to talk openly about sex because it embarrasses them and most people don’t want to talk about death because it’s frightening.
It’s strange why so many people still don’t talk about either, Barbara. 80 years ago, I could understand why not talking about sex was the thing, but in this modern, open world, sex and death are even more evident. And I wonder how many problems we’d solve by discussing them more freely?
You’re right, Hugh.
Hi Hugh, i think death creates this fearful thought in our mind while discussing cause we all know the real scenario of a funeral and no one in their good mental health would like to face those situations of permanent loss. While sex is a very embarrassing topic for most of us to talk to anybody. As others said, both are very personal subjects and we prefer to talk about it only to our close or preferred individuals. But, i also like to talk about death. It always creates an sense of uncertainty which really we should all be aware of. We often become so busy with life that we forgot to enjoy life and funerals and death never fails to remember us that everything is gonna end someday. And that is the only reason i think people doesn’t talk about death. It breaks the illusion of permanent among us.
The uncertainty you referred to is intriguing to me. Another reader commented about the Death Cafes, where people can meet up and talk about death, so it seems some people don’t mind talking about it. I don’t think it’s a subject any of us should shy away from talking about. I believe talking about it does a lot of good in the long term, especially when it comes to funeral arrangements.
Thank you for joining the discussion.
Hi Hugh, If you recall, I lost my husband in Jan. 2019. His death happened in less than a minute. He spoke briefly, telling me he couldn’t feel his body. Perhaps it was his way of telling me he wasn’t in any pain. But I’m not sure he was cognizant since it happened so quickly. If we could have a choice, I’m sure we all would want to go as he did. I’m a believer in Hospice to prevent the individual from suffering. You are correct. Spouses or close family should discuss death to determine what efforts they wish or don’t to maintain their life. We also need to know their final wishes. Because we had that discussion, I was able to handle his funeral and burial as he requested. Discussion of death, as well as sexual desires, are difficult conversations. It can be easier with a couple of glasses of wine. Great post, Hugh. We should feel comfortable having more like this one. HUGS
Hi Chuck, it’s great to hear from you. Hope all is well with you.
I recall the news of the death of your husband. I’m so pleased that the two of you had discussed death and funeral arrangements beforehand. That’s interesting that you say that he could not feel his body before he passed away. I hope that the same for all of us when our time comes.
Unfortunately, my aunt continues to suffer. It’s hard to understand why she doesn’t pass away instead of living her final days in pain. There is so much sorrow in her eyes. The nursing staff try and make her as comfortable as possible, but seeing her live life this way is a terrible experience.
I hope to have many posts like this one. Thank you for joining the discussion.
I’m sorry to hear about your Aunt. Does the United Kingdom have something similar to our Hospice system? The Hospice staff with authorization can administer increased amounts of pain medication to hasten the period the patient has to suffer. In my opinion, it is a humane way to help the dying when there is no hope of recovery.
Thank you, Hugh, I am doing well.
There are hospices in the UK, Chuck, but many hospitals have good end-of-life care wards too. My aunt has become so frail that she could not make it through a move. She continues to surprise us with her survival. For whatever reason, she doesn’t seem ready to go.
I think death is a conundrum. We know it’s inevitable but we don’t really want to acknowledge we’re all going to die. I like your analogy of the ‘waiting room’ but not when people are suffering. It’s an awful way to die for the individual and the family.
I’ve witnessed several deaths where people have lingered, often in pain, so they must have lots of strong medication, which usually knocks them out. All they want to do is move on, yet they linger. It’s a terrible way to suffer at the end of one’s life.
I’ve a theory about those who linger. My grandmother waited until my cousin, her first born grandson to arrive and then she passed away. An inlaw remained as her family really didn’t want her to die and I think she stayed for her husband and children. Though, there may be other reasons, who knows.
I guess we’ll only ever know when we reach that point. I’m still 50/50 whether we have any control over when we pass away.
This was such a thought-provoking read Hugh. If I am honest, I have to say I am more comfortable talking about death than sex. It’s interesting what you say about how death comes more quickly to some than others. My father-in-law wasted away for months, not knowing anyone. It felt cruel to me. Those are the times when the controversial topic of assisted dying comes to mind although, as a Catholic, I dare not say those words out loud in the wrong company.
My grandmother lived to be 97, and luckily was in very good health until about a year before she died. I remember her saying to me “What do you do when you have lived too long.” Her husband had died 40 years earlier and all of her friends were long gone. It was her way of saying she was ready to go.
Hi Michelle,
I’m not sure why, but your first comments went straight to my WordPress spam folder. Whereas your second comment came straight through for approval. It’s one of those mysteries about why it happened, but I’m pleased to say that I check my spam folder daily.
Thank you for reading this post and joining the discussion. I think your Grandmother’s words are very wise. I’ve also heard of people dying from heartbreak after the death of a partner because they can not bear to be alone and without them.
I wonder if some of us do get to choose when we can say goodbye when it does not involve suicide?
Great discussion Hugh. And yes, I think of death all too often, especially since losing my husband last year, and witnessing his stages til death. I’ve also read many books since that talk about these things but witnessing it is a whole different kettle of fish. I will say one thing I witnessed with my husband, and a few others that have passed on. When death is nearing, our loved ones start speaking to passed on loved ones as though they are being called and perhaps feeling a peace knowing there are loved ones on the other side waiting to guide them. Two weeks before my husband passed, he woke in the middle of the night, raising his arms and speaking words I couldn’t quite make out, but I did understand he was calling out to his dead daughter and sister. I’d witnessed this before with my dying aunt and knew the end was nearing. Also, I would recommend cemetery plots and burial decisions be discussed while a couple are still well and cognizant. I can tell you with authority, in the midst of my anticipatory grief and worry while my husband was dying, I was also in a mad scramble to decide all that because for years he begged me to discuss and make plans with him and I wasn’t having any of that ‘death talk’. Gratefully, I knew his wishes and during turmoil organized his final resting place. A raw topic for sure, but easier in the end if we’re prepared. <3
Thanks, Debby. I’m delighted that so many have joined the discussion on this post. Thank you for sharing your experience of the death of your husband.
I’ve only ever witnessed my mother dying in front of me. She never spoke during her final days, maybe because she had dementia, and it was heartbreaking that she had no idea who I was for the last couple of years of her life. However, when she looked up at me and smiled just before passing away, I was convinced that she knew exactly who I was for those brief few seconds.
Yes, death can be a raw subject, but the discussions on this post have convinced me to get on with discussing what both my partner and I want when our times come. We’ve updated our wills, and we now just need to talk about funerals.
I will add, since you mentioned, exactly one week before my beloved passed, he too stopped talking, he was unable to speak, suddenly. He spoke with his eyes and fingers. I’m convinced that is part of the end. A painful topic for sure, but I’m glad you have found solace in this discussion. Yes, make the plans, then get on with the living, or it will hang over you . Trust me. <3
Great topic, and I’ve enjoyed reading the various comments. Both my mom and dad are gone; one lingered for several months (stroke) and the other dealt with dementia while remaining mostly happy and fairly healthy. I don’t understand why we allow the terminally ill to suffer. I think many of us would choose a different death, on our terms, if we could.
Have you heard of the Death Cafe organization? They host groups of people who meet to discuss death, illness, and quality of life. If there is a meeting in your area, I encourage you to go. They provide a welcoming, safe place to talk about a topic many avoid… even though all of us will be faced with at some point.
I agree with you about being allowed to choose a different death instead of suffering a life full of pain and where we lose our dignity, Janis.
Thank you for telling me about the Death Cafe. I’d never heard of it. I checked out their website and the nearest one to me is about 80 miles away. They have a great website, so I’ll be checking them out some more.
The conversations have been excellent on this post. I’ve enjoyed reading them all. Even though we don’t like talking about death, it seems that some of us do (when prompted to do so). I’m delighted that so many readers decided to add their voices. Thank you for adding yours.
Made me rethink stuffs..
Interesting question, Hugh. I have become more comfortable talking about death since Dad died in 2005. Those first conversations were with Mum, about what she wanted and that has led Linda and I to talk about it and address it with the children. I doubt they have any doubts about how we think and feel. Sometimes, because that’s who I am, I make a joke about it, but the essence of what might happen – long term illness, assisted deaths, homes, dementia, type of post death planning, all sorts. I have little time for all religions and ceremonies, so I’m absolutely certain that post death I’ll be best as compost and no one should care what they do, save that they do whatever makes them comfortable. But if they can find a way for the mother of all parties, well, I’m up for that.
Sex is maybe more awkward. I have no difficulty with my generation, though we tend not to focus on techniques, but the children? No, I don’t think so; I’m sure they’re happier thinking they are the product of clever science and not their parents sharing bodily fluids. It was ever thus.
Thanks for joining the discussion, Geoff. I had a feeling these topics would get people talking.
I’m glad you also got your children involved in knowing what you both want when it comes to saying goodbye. John and I need to sit down and discuss what we want before it’s too late. We do have wills that cover everything. After my mother died of dementia and there was no will, the problems I encountered were the worse I’ve ever experienced. It really showed up the true colours of some family members too. Something I’d never want to go through again.
Yes, I understand how that can be. My mother in laws family blew apart when her father died, over the allocation of the cost of flowers. Do you and John have the financial and Heath powers of attorney? We’ve managed to persuade mother in law to grant them to her children before she slips completely into a fog.
Yes, we do. After the experiences of having to sort out my mother’s estate with various parts of the family who were challenging, we ensured we had covered ourselves for every eventuality. The last thing we want is for either one of us or anyone else to encounter lots of problems, disagreements and fallout after our deaths.
Good that your mother-in-law has granted them too. I think it’s the generation above us who probably didn’t have to overthink about ‘what if?’ situations when they made wills. Now that we are all living longer, it is essential to have a power of attorney or letter of attorney.
Grand. It was a little fraught explaining to the children that they were on the list of attorneys. Jenni was horrified but I did notice Sam making some notes,…
I can understand why Jenni was horrified. The same happened when we talked to John’s niece about our wills and death. She was horrified and wanted to change the subject quickly.