One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I never sat down with my mother and told her that I am gay. I chose, instead, the easy option of writing to her and telling her that I was a homosexual.
Facing Mum for the first time after writing that letter, I felt very nervous as I travelled to her home. I hesitated several times before walking up to the front door, ringing the doorbell, and announcing my arrival.
What a shock I got when she came towards me with open arms and, as she gave me one of her wonderful hugs, heard her whisper, “I always knew, I don’t know why it took you so long to tell me.”
Not all my family was like mum, though. Some told me they were having difficulty accepting what I was because it wasn’t the sort of thing that happened to men in the area we came from. Hurtful words, but I already knew that the best thing I could do was to keep away from those who were upset by the life I was given, and let them live their lives as they wanted.
Over the years, I regained contact with some of those family members and, thankfully, have the changing face of society to thank for bringing us back together.
The fact that, in the past, there had been a few other men in the family who had never married never seemed to raise any suspicions that the family included gay people. It may have been discussed, but never while I was in the room.
I don’t know if any of those men ever ‘came out.’ Probably not, but it must have been tough for those who were gay when they lived. This made me more determined to live my life as I wanted and not as others expected me to.
Moving to live and work in London in 1986 was one of the most important decisions I’ve ever made. Although the city acted like a wall that seemed to shield gay people, I was still struggling to ‘come out.’
It was a strange situation because the first two jobs I took in London were in industries where other openly gay people worked.
When I took my next job, which would last 23 years, it took me six years to come out, and that was only when I heard the words “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” Of course, nobody cared that I was gay, yet for all those years I had been terrified of what some of my work colleagues would think about me had I ‘come out’ of the closet.
Fast forward to today, and being gay is widely accepted by much of society. Or is it?
When we moved to our current home in South Wales, both my partner and I felt a little hesitant about whether people would accept us. There are fewer residents here than in the area where we had lived for over 30 years. We were returning to that place where I’d been told that ‘being gay didn’t happen.’ We could not have been more wrong!
People have been so welcoming, and we’re as much a part of the community as anyone else. Strange, though, is that every now and again, when I meet somebody for the first time and am asked who the other guy who walks our dogs is, I find myself hesitating before saying, “He’s my partner.”
Maybe some of the scars from our past never heal?
All photos in this post belong to me, Hugh W. Roberts
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Thank you for re-sharing your story, Hugh (came over via your twitter feed). What a wonderfully honest post, I am so pleased that things worked out in the end with most of your family. It’s a shame people cannot feel comfortable sharing who they are, when the world is such a wonderfully diverse place (and wouldn’t it be so boring if everyone was the same!). I have a son, and I honestly couldn’t give a monkeys if he turns out to be gay, straight, bi or any other sexuality. As long as he’s happy (and still lets me give him one of those wonderful mum-hugs you mentioned), I’ll be happy. Much love, KL <3
You’re welcome, KL. I’ve enjoyed sharing these stories of my early years.
Life was much different for gay and bisexual people back then. Today, it’s much accepted in many places, but pockets of society still discriminate against the LGBTQI+ community. And there are still countries where it is against the law to be gay. Some have the death penalty as punishment. There is still a lot of work to be done.
It took my father over 30 years to accept me as gay. My mother was much more understanding. I was lucky because I’ve seen families disown members of their households for being gay. And it’s sad that it still happens today.
Thank you for sharing your story, Hugh. As the proud mom of a gay woman, her wife and my unbelievably beautiful granddaughter I am happy for you – especially for the support from your mum. I lived in Orlando when the Pulse shooting occurred and saw the pain the LGBTQ experienced. No one should ever be judged for being who they are, let alone targeted. In our country there are pockets of acceptance and pockets of bigotry sadly. I am happy to see the love and support my daughter has. I look forward to the time when we are all just neighbors regardless of the make up of our family.
I’m glad you enjoyed this post, Maggie.
There have been significant changes in acceptance of the LGBTIQ community over the last 40 years, but it’s sad that certain groups still can not accept that gay people exist. I was lucky that my mother accepted me for who I am, but it was a different story with my father and other family members. And even though those scars have healed over the years, there is always that thought at the back of my mind of ‘What if?’ whenever I tell anyone that I’m gay.
I’m delighted to hear that your daughter lives a happy life with her wife and daughter. I’m sure every moment with them is precious.