Perhaps you’d like a Ma’amalade sandwich, Your Majesty? Tea With Paddington Bear

For those of you who haven’t seen it, here is what I consider one of the highlights (if not the highlight) of the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee, celebrated around the world from 2nd – 5th July 2022.

What do you think about the Paddington and Queen having tea video? Did you celebrate or see any of the jubilee celebrations?

Let me know if you’re not able to play the video so I can find another one to add to this post.

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The Shocking Truth Found Inside Men’s Underpants

I wasn’t even looking for underpants, but something drew my eyes to the underwear section of the website I was looking at. For some strange reason, I could not take my eyes off what was in front of me.

#shopping #humour #clothes

Before you ask, it was an entirely safe and well-known website but, one hour and forty-five minutes later, there was still nothing in my checkout basket. Had I really spent all that time admiring all the eye-candy underpants on offer, or had I fallen asleep at the computer, bored at the prospect of buying what I had intended coming here for?

It wasn’t long before I started asking myself questions such as why do the eye-candy models have to be semi-naked when modelling underpants? I even discovered that when I hovered my mouse over one of the models, he would spin around for me and show me the view from behind. That’s quite a handy little tool, don’t you think? How many times have you asked yourself what your ‘Mr Man’ socks look like when viewed from behind?

Then I asked myself if I would have been spending as much time as I was in the men’s underwear section of this website if all the models were like our postman, Pete? (or ‘Pop it in Pete’, as I like to call him). He can be very chatty when he hands me something too large to go through the slot. However, I decided that I’d asked myself a difficult question, so I moved on and remembered what I had come to the website for.

Before I knew it, I started asking myself if Pete would spend as much time as me in the men’s underwear section of this website? Probably not, given that he’s told me about his two grownup daughters, although he does like listening to Kylie and watching ‘Will and Grace’ on a Friday night.

Pete wasn’t a good example so I wondered if our plumber, Roger, would spend as much time as I was in the men’s underwear section? Do tradesmen like going shopping for themselves given, that when I worked in retail, some men leave it until the last minute to buy that perfect gift for their wife/girlfriend/partner? Knowing that Roger doesn’t like shopping, which he mentioned to me whilst nibbling on a whole packet of custard creams, would he ever buy his own underpants?

Shaking thoughts of Pete and Roger from my head, I then noticed that most of the underpants on the website were on sale. Great, I could bag myself a bargain before looking for that item I’d come here to buy. Now, this is when the real problems started because there were so many shapes and styles of underpants, to keep your crown jewels safe, that I really started getting confused.

Boxers, briefs, V-shaped, hipster, ribbed (ribbed? I thought you only found ribbed on—) trunks, G-String, jocks; the list seemed endless. I decided that it would be better for me to go to the shopping centre (because I’d be told that men’s underpants were down in Marks & Spencer) and try on all these different styles of underpants so I would know which suited me and the crown jewels best.

IMG_7627

My trip to Marks & Spencer was short-lived when an elderly lady, who had evidently mistaken me for a shop assistant, approached me and asked, “where do you keep your knickers, love?” When I was later told that I was not allowed to try on any of the underwear for hygienic reasons (I did explain to the lady outside the men’s changing rooms that I had showered before coming out), coming to a shopping centre to do my shopping was a mistake. I decided to head home again and do what I always do when it comes to shopping – do it online!

By this time, the whole day had just about disappeared, and I decided I didn’t need to buy any underpants after all because I’d had some given to me for Christmas! Phew, that was lucky, but then I started asking myself how Santa always got the size right?

Gentlemen – do you encounter any of these problems when buying your underpants, or do you save time and get somebody to buy them for you?

Ladies – who is the buyer of the underpants for the men in your household, and do you encounter as many problems as I do when shopping for underpants?

© 2018 Copyright-All rights reserved-hughsviewsandnews.com.

Audrey Hepburn & The Chocolate Bar – What Happened Next?

My recent post, The Trouble With Chocolate, where I dissected a commercial for a bar of Galaxy chocolate (Dove in the U.S.A), which features an Audrey Hepburn look-a-like, had me wondering what on earth happened to Audrey after she got in that strange man’s car.

HERE IS THE COMMERCIAL AGAIN before I give you my version of what I think happened. Have a look at it, and then allow me to pick up the story for you.

 

The cool breeze passed Audrey’s face. The area around her mouth, now covered with chocolate, felt a little stiff but smelled heavenly.

She looked down as the stranger driving the car stared at her through the rear-view mirror. His eyes were a deep, dark brown, almost the same colour as the chocolate smothered across her face. She looked up again and wondered why he was driving a right-hand drive vehicle when they were in Italy? Then she remembered, but the answer disappeared as quickly as the chocolate had, once she had got the wrapper off. She still held the world record for eating a bar of Galaxy.

The stranger could not take his eyes off her, narrowly missing a group of chickens and a lady balancing a wheelbarrow on one eyebrow while standing on one leg. Even with her face and dress covered in melted chocolate, he still thought she was beautiful.

He remembered the day he had seen her buying that dress. Blowing kisses at him, she had flirted with him in front of other customers in the shop while he strolled around looking for somewhere to sit down. Then, unfortunately, he had mistakenly walked into a double D cup being worn by a mannequin at least a foot taller than him. The bra had made direct contact with his right eyeball, causing to him shout “ouch” and startle several other customers. By the time he had wiped away the tears, she had gone into the fitting room.

I’ll have to buy a new pair of gloves, she thought to herself, after using them to wipe away the chocolate off her face. Oh, how she wished somebody had invented stain remover. Then she thought she’d try to get away with giving them a quick rinse under the garden tap. “Damn!” she said to herself, having remembered she’d forgotten to bring her heartburn tablets off the old man sitting next to her on the bus.

The stranger blew her a kiss in the rear-view mirror, and she raised a hand to catch it, but a gust of wind caught one of the loose gloves in her hand, and she turned her head and watched it come to rest on the road. He did not stop the car, for he was full of excitement and wanted to get her to the other side of the hill as quickly as he could. He had big plans for the evening, so he put a little more pressure on the accelerator pedal.

No words had passed between them when the car finally came to a stop. He looked at her once more through the rear-view mirror while she picked up her handbag and fumbled inside it. She finally looked up at the building, now in front of her, her glance immediately going to the upstairs windows where she knew the excitement would begin. She felt so excited by the thought of what was about to happen; the heartburn tablets and the woman with the yellow bowl stuck on her head on the bus no longer mattered.

He finally got out of the driver’s seat and walked around, opening the door for her so she could step out. She was totally unaware that the wrapper from the chocolate bar was stuck to the back of her dress as she rose herself up from the back seat.

He put out his hand to help her out, and melted chocolate passed from her hand to his. The excitement for both was now nearing take off. It would not be long before they were inside the beautiful villa where all the waiting would finally come to an end. She looked up at him as he wiped his hand on the back of her dress.

“Why did you accelerate so quickly to get us here? I was enjoying the ride,” she romantically whispered to him.

Putting his solid and rugged arms around her and looking her straight in the eyes, the stranger finally spoke to her.

“The soft top of the car hood is stuck again, and the garage couldn’t fix it. Plus, I think there’s rain on the way because my knees have gone a little stiff. I’m off to watch the football. Stick the car in the garage will you before you have your bath. Your mother is dropping off the kids in ten minutes, and the dog needs walking.”

Audrey’s chocolate-scented bubble bath would have to wait.

-The End-

brown chocolate bar
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

© 2017 Copyright-All rights reserved-hughsviewsandnews.com.

The Trouble With Chocolate

Can chocolate be trouble? Yes, in my books, it can, and Audrey Hepburn is to blame!

I’m really bothered, severely troubled, and it’s all to do with this commercial.

 

So there you have it. Cute commercial, yes? But, where does the word ‘trouble’ come into it and why am I bothered by what Audrey Hepburn is up to on that bus?

Now, I know some of you are shaking your heads and looking at me as if I’ve just announced I’ve purchased a cat flap for a submarine, but please stay with me on this and let me tell you why I think that commercial has made me believe chocolate is nothing but trouble.

Maybe the trouble is to do with the beautiful scenery right at the beginning?

Is it the beautiful Audrey Hepburn look-a-like sat on the bus? She does have incredible eyes, doesn’t she? All sort of puppy looking and adorable.

Is it what she reveals is inside her handbag when she opens it?

Oh, wait! What about the handsome chap who pulls up in the car beside the bus? No, he’s not my type, and why is there a woman sitting on the bus with a yellow bowl on her head? Did you see her? Yes?

Now, where was I? Oh yes, what was inside Audrey’s handbag. Now considering she’s sat on a hot bus (because it’s a beautiful sunny day outside and the commercial is set in a hot country), should that chocolate bar not have melted in her handbag? Does the guy sitting next to her look like he needs some Gaviscon? To me, it seems like he has heartburn. Are you still shaking your head?

Is it the music and the song, Moon River, that is the problem, or what about the singer’s voice? Beautiful voice, yeah, but wouldn’t make it on X-Factor or The Voice. Besides, I prefer the original version.

Then there’s that guy in the car. He may be good-looking, but, believe me, I don’t think he’s the one who is trouble. OK, I wouldn’t turn down an offer of a beer with him just to find out what hair products he uses and discuss why Barbie and Ken never got married, but, believe me, it’s not him.

Right, back to the commercial. Is that a pumpkin on the road Audrey passes when she gets off the bus? Did they have big ripe pumpkins in the middle of summer in the 1950s, and why has somebody painted what looks like two caterpillars above Audrey’s eyes? I’m sure they’re moving around her face.

Could it be the rugged bus driver that is the trouble? Is it him I want to see in place of Audrey on the bus? Well, no, because who would then drive the bus? Audrey? Not with the shoes she’s wearing. No way! I’d be off that bus quicker than my Aunt Mary being chased down Dagenham High Street by two Store Detectives after sticking a frozen turkey up her jumper and making a run for it.

Now, back to the good-looking man in the car. Do you think he has a big head? I only ask, as when Audrey puts the bus driver’s cap on him before getting into his car, it looks at least two sizes too small for him. On the other hand, maybe the bus driver has a small head? After all, he is bald. Perhaps that is why the cap is far too small for the good-looking man driving the car? What do you think?

How on earth did Audrey get the chocolate bar out of her handbag as the good-looking man whisked her off in his car? I never saw her open her bag and get the chocolate out. Did you? And, come on, Audrey, would you really get into a strange man’s car without even asking his name?

Want to know what happened to Audrey after being driven off in that strange man’s car? Was there really romance in the air? Click here for all the details.

Do you ever have problems with chocolate?

heart shaped chocolates
Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

© 2017 Copyright-All rights reserved-hughsviewsandnews.com.

 

How To Spend A Restful Few Minutes Over A Cup Of Coffee

I’d just sat down to a nice cup of coffee.

Two sachets of sugar are on the saucer. The teaspoon looks rusty and dirty from too many washes in the dishwasher and is not being wiped clean! Never mind, the coffee looks good, and it’s a beautiful day here on Mumbles seafront.

I take my first sip, and then it begins.

“Hello, Brian, can you hear me……I’m on the mobile……can you hear me, Brian?”

Bit of a pause.

“Brian, can you……what?…….what did you say, Brian?”

Longer pause.

“I’m ringing to find out if…….Brian, are you still there?”

Bit of a pause.

“OK, I’m waving now. Can you see me?”

Pause

“Well, I’m waving. Hold on, I’ll get Margaret to wave.”

Margaret starts to wave her hand.

“Can you see us?”

Pause

“Well, I can’t understand it; we’re both waving. Are you there, Brian? Can you hear me?”

Pause

“Yes, I was ringing to find out if it was working?”

Pause

“No, I said, I was ringing…….Brian, can you hear me? Perhaps you can’t hear what I’m saying?”

Pause.

“OK, I’ll get Margaret to wave again, hold on.”

Margaret waves again, and a small girl passing by, licking an ice cream cone, waves back at her.

“Can you see her waving, Brian? I’m waving now as well. Can you see us?”

Pause.

“No, I’ve been to Spec Savers, and my eyes are OK. I wasn’t ringing about that; I was ringing about the……”

Longer pause.

“No, my eyes are fine, they said I could continue with the glasses I’ve had for the last……..hello…Brian, can you hear me? Are you still there, Brian?”

He looks at the phone.

“I think he’s gone, Margaret.”

He puts the phone back to his ear.

“Brian, are you still there?”

By this time, I quickly gulped my coffee down, wanting to get away, but then he looked at the phone again, and this time he closed it up as it was one of those clam style phones. I thought about getting another coffee and maybe a cake to continue with my people watching, but then his phone rang.

“Hello…Brian, is that you? Can you hear me?”

Not wanting to find out what he wanted to know was working, Toby and I made a rapid departure.

We enjoyed a lovely quiet walk home along the beach without the sound of any mobiles phones going off.

Toby on the beach

Have you ever overheard a one-sided conversation? What was it about?

© 2016 Copyright-All rights reserved-hughsviewsandnews.com.

The Day I Almost Married Lara Croft

What? I almost married Lara Croft? OK, I don’t mean, ‘the’, Lara Croft, do I, just somebody else with the same name as her?

Well, no, I mean the most famous Lara Croft there has ever been; she is a full-time tomb raider; she has the body most men desire, and most women envy.

Our relationship started back in August 1997 when a friend of mine loaned me a copy of “Tomb Raider” for the Sony PlayStation 1. I’d had the Playstation for some months but was already getting bored with it, that is until my friend introduced me to Lara Croft.

From the moment I inserted the game disc into the PlayStation and pressed the play button, I’d fallen in love with the one and only woman who would ever pull at my heartstrings.

I would spend countless evenings, nights, and weekends with Lara. It even got to the point that I would no longer go out on a Saturday night. Instead, I would spend the evening at home with Lara while my friends danced the night away, having fun, socialising, meeting new people, enjoying each others company, while I only had eyes for Lara.

She’d take me too far off places around the world, Peru, Mongolia, Egypt, India, to name but a few. She’d protect me from killer bats, bears, lions and weird monsters I never knew existed. I followed her everywhere and ensured nothing horrible happened to her while on our travels.

I even remember that Saturday afternoon I sat down with her at 5:15 and, before we knew it, the clock told us it was 4.05 Sunday morning. But it didn’t matter then as we were both in love with each other and saw each other every day.

The day we got engaged was beautiful. By now, I knew I had met the perfect woman, and I was pretty sure that Lara felt the same way about me. Why wouldn’t she? After all, I’d spend all my free time with her, and I’d even told my work colleagues about her. I know some of them envied me for having caught myself one of the most beautiful and sexiest women in the world, but others were happy for me and wanted to hear more of the adventures Lara and I were having.

I begged Lara to let me buy her an engagement ring, but she had none of it. Well, not at that moment anyway, as she had dangerous work to do and would never forgive herself if she lost the ring while working. She promised me I could buy her an engagement ring just as soon as she had solved the mystery she was working on. But that day never came, and it wasn’t long after when things started to go downhill, and our Wedding day kept getting further and further away.

I’d gone everywhere with her on her first two adventures. While she worked at solving mysteries and puzzles, I earned the money that would pay for our wedding and first home together. We both knew that nothing could part us when she started her third adventure, but how wrong we would be. I’ll be honest and say that her experiences were getting too difficult for me. But that was because I’d started going out again, socialising, meeting friends, having a real laugh, enjoying the actual world around me, catching up on gossip, TV and the movies. Meanwhile, Lara continued her adventures without me, not ever wanting to come with me.

“Most of your friends don’t like me”, she’d told me the day it all went pear-shaped, and I’d realised that she was right. I also learned that Lara had put quite a big gap between my friends and me and that I was almost losing them and my life! Not only that, but she’d also put a strain on another relationship, the most important one, the one I’d had since 1993 and, to this day, is stronger than ever. Would John ever forgive me?

I finally put an end to my relationship with Lara and called off the wedding. I thought she’d be distraught, especially when I told her I was also selling my Playstation. But, she simply walked away with the man who had purchased the PlayStation from me, and I never heard from her again.

Do I have any regrets about what happened? No. I’m just happy that I found my life again and have never been tempted to contact Lara…Ever!

© 2015 Copyright-All rights reserved-hughsviewsandnews.com.