May 1987
I hesitated several times as I approached the front door of my mother’s house. How was she going to react when she saw me for the first time since I announced in a letter to her that I was gay?
After ringing the doorbell, her footsteps seemed to take forever to reach the front door. It was as if life had gone into slow motion, making me wait even longer to find out her reaction.
“Why did it take you so long to tell me?” were her first words as she flung her arms around me. “The kettle’s on, and I’ve got your favourite biscuits in,” she started to sob.
I’d been expecting a completely different reaction, expecting to be on the next train back to London, but ended up staying a few days.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” she asked as I took my first sip of tea. “When can I meet him? I’ve always wanted to go to a gay bar. I hear they’re so much fun and much safer than the bars around here where women get hit upon all the time.”
“Mum!” I said astoundingly.
I couldn’t quite believe that my mother was treating me as if she’d known I was gay all my life. She probably had, but the fact that nothing had changed was a welcome relief. Her love for me was as evident as it always had been. I crossed my fingers and wished and hoped that all my family would react like my mother did.
“Have you told Phil?” I asked.
Phil was my stepfather, and the way my mother was acting, I doubted she had told him.
“Oh, yes,” she announced. “He can’t wait to see you. He’ll be home in about an hour.”
But not all my family were like Mum and my stepfather.
September 1987
‘Your mother has told me’ were the first words after ‘Dear Hugh.’
From there, the letter I’d opened went downhill quickly.
‘People like us are not homosexual or gay or whatever you want to call it. Nobody here is homosexual. You don’t belong here anymore. It’s not the sort of thing that happens to men in our family or area…’
I couldn’t bring myself to read anymore. I tore the letter up and threw it away.
How could a member of my family say that? Thank goodness I was living and working in London. But I was concerned that the letter writer had my address. My mother had probably given it to him. Should I tell her what he’d written? I felt that the family member who had written the letter had just blown my family apart. It brought me down to earth with a painful bump!
But it didn’t end there. A few weeks later, another grim situation hurtling towards me at a hundred miles per hour finally caught up with me. But this one was different. It was a silent rejection where nothing was said. But the reaction to me coming out as gay contained all the words that told me what was about to happen.
It would be over 30 years before I saw or said anything to my father again. Not even a surprise visit from two of my aunts (his sisters) some months later could heal the division, although, to be fair, I don’t think they really understood the whole picture.
Sadly, that was the last I saw of one of my aunts. She passed away before my father accepted the situation of who I was and not who he wanted me to be.
The other aunt was more tolerant when I visited her for the first time after reuniting with my father. However, there was no mention of me being gay. Not even the partner I’d been with for over 20 years was mentioned. But during other visits, things gradually came to the surface.
“Isn’t it about time I met John?” she asked. “I’d have thought he would have wanted to meet me by now.”
Crosswires came to my mind. I hadn’t wanted to push things. While all my aunt was doing was wanting me to take the lead in introducing her to my life. We both ended up laughing about it.
Days before she passed away, she’d tearfully told me how hurt she had been by not being allowed to stay in touch with me for all those years. ‘I couldn’t take sides,’ she told me. I never found out what she meant by that.
The one I had to allow to get away
My grandmother was the family member I thought would be the most accepting of my coming out. But, sadly, I never got to tell her. Life had dealt her the dementia card, and I didn’t feel it was right to tell her, even when she was in the early stages of this horrible illness.
Ever since I can remember, I felt she was looking after me and guiding me. Even after she died in 1994, I continue to feel her presence (not something I’ve felt with anyone else). I guess being her first grandchild has something to do with it.
Directions and decisions
After visiting my mother in May 1987, visits home became less frequent. Unfortunately, most of the family had not reacted kindly to me being gay, and I had decided that the best thing I could do was to keep away from those who were upset by the life that I was proud and thankful for. In turn, I accepted that I had to allow them to live their lives as they wanted.
As the years passed, I regained contact with some of those family members who had not accepted me and, thankfully, had the changing face of society and the improvement in attitudes towards gay people to thank for bringing us back together. It was tough, but I was thankful that things were changing and that my family accepted me for who I was.
Other family members
The fact that, in the past, there had been other male members of the family who had never married never seemed to raise any suspicions that our family could have had gay people as a part of it. It may have been talked about, but never while I was in the room.
“Isn’t it obvious that there must be gay people in all families?” I’d once asked an aunt. She only nodded her head and would quickly change the subject.
I doubt if any of those bachelor male family members ever ‘came out.’ It would have been difficult at the times they lived. I was thankful that attitudes towards the LGBT society were changing. Plus, of course, it was no longer a crime to be a gay man.
This made me more determined to live my life how I wanted to, not how others wanted me to. Family or no family, I was who I was.
Notes from the author.
‘You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.’ I hear this quote often and always tell myself it whenever I find myself outside of the family circle.
I’d always been independent, which helped me get through the parts of my life where I had little contact with other family members. During these times, friends and even work colleagues were my new family.
Fortunately, I was never short of friends. Most people seemed to take a liking to me, and I never worried about those that didn’t. Just as those who had not accepted me as gay, it was their loss, not mine.
I was lucky. I always had friends I could turn to when I needed them. Talking always helps and has always got me through difficult times.
Today, I am lucky and thankful to be surrounded by family I know care and love me very much. And while many of those family members who rejected me when I first came out as gay have since left this world, I forgave them for the directions they took. Things were different back then.
But thank goodness that things for the LGBTQI community in the majority of the world have improved and are much different today. Family, though, that’s a different matter.
There is an abundance of support available for the LGBTQ+ community. One fantastic resource in the UK is the Gay Switchboard, where individuals can seek assistance and guidance. They can be reached by phone at 0800 0119 100 or by email at hello@switchboard.lgbt.
Please feel free to share support details for LGBTQI people in other countries in the comments section. Let’s spread positivity and acceptance together!
Next month: – Friends. I always found it easy to make friends and developed many friendships over the years. Some were great fun, while others led me to situations I’d never thought could have happened.
If you enjoyed this entry, you may also enjoy reading, ‘True Stories: Gay Memories – The Day My Life Changed.’
Last month, In this series, the subject was Jobs. Click the link below to read it.
True Stories: Confessions Of A Gay Man – Jobs
In the 1970s, I faced discrimination in my first job for being gay. Progressing to a more accepting workplace in the 1980s, I finally came out openly to colleagues. But even today, despite the changing times, fear and discrimination still persist in the workplace.
This is my story, but have you faced fear or…
Please feel free to ask me any questions by leaving me a comment.
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Hugh, you have to live your life for YOU, and not for the expectations of others. A long time ago, I took a course required by my employer and I remember a very important phrase from the course, which I kept for reference.
self-fulfilling prophecy – the concept that our behavior is heavily influenced by our perception of the way others view us. the concept is summarized by the following statement: i am not what i think i am; and i am not what you think i am; but i am what i think you think i am.
Good for you by standing strong and be the person you were meant to be.
Thank you for sharing that phase, Eugi. And I agree that you have to live your life for you, and not for anybody else. Nobody should ever feel they have to live a life that is a lie just so they do not upset others.
You’re welcome, Hugh.
At least you got to celebrate who you are with your mom and step dad – I suspect your grandmother probably knew but like many people didn’t know how to approach the subject. I have one uncle who we always suspected was gay but he was so emotionally closed off that no one knew what his response might be if he was asked. Know what I mean?
Oh, I know what you mean, and when it comes to situations like that I think it’s always best to let the person ‘come out’ rather than try to ‘out’ them. I hope your uncle has somebody he can talk too, though. If not, I’m sure there are organisations like the one I mentioned in my post who can help and support him.
Yes, thank goodness things have changed, Hugh! You were brave to come out in the eighties. I’m very glad you always had good friends you could call family. I had to think about how our life doesn’t really allow for that. I do miss the fact that I can’t just call a girlfriend – or meet one – to talk about or talk through difficult situations! Our travel “community” is one of quick meetings and fast goodbyes. In general.
I’m sorry to hear that, Liesbet. Given that you are on the move all the time, people will come and go all the time, but I’m sure Mark and you give each other a lot of support when needed. I know I can rely on my partner for support. We’re here for each other.
The only personal experience I have that is in any way relatable was how my family and friends reacted to my divorcing my husband. My mother slugged me in the face, and a “friend” stood in front of our house as my very new ex and I were loading the moving van and shouting bible verses and calling me every name in the book… co-workers shunned me, and many of MY cousins stopped talking to me. (deep sigh) I am happy that you are happy and able to live a life that is true to who you are! <3
I’m so sorry to hear you had to go through all of that, Annette. I still get comments quoting bible verses which I send straight to spam. And if those that send them have subscribed to my blog, I unsubscribe them.
Nobody should have to live a life as a lie just because other people want you too. Life is for living who you are, not for who others want you to be.
We certainly can’t live our lives according to the expectations and demands of others, that’s for sure! Here’s to US! xox
Throughout my life some of my very best friends were gay.This was during my adult years in the 1980s. I found I could really trust and rely on them. With these friends I spent some of the very best days of my life and I miss them all.
I’m sorry that you miss all those gay friends, but it sounds to me as if you have many happy memories of those people. Focus on those happy memories because I’m sure they will make you smile.
I am happy that the family did not make you into a bitter, angry man. My view of family is basically they suck. When our son came out he was very dramatic, comical even. He told us he would understand if we wanted to throw him out to the street. We always thought he was and I told him as much, that we are glad he finally came to realize it – you can’t live a lie. Most of the family accepts him, my parents follow don’t ask, don’t tell. They treat him well enough just not like we do.
I’ve always had the attitude that anger never gets you anywhere, Danny. Rather than being angry, I try and remove myself from the situation that is trying to make me angry.
I can understand why your son said that to you. I thought my mother was going to not let me in the house on that first visit to her after telling her I was gay. Having read and watched many similar situations where that does happen, I thought I was letting her down, so imagine my surprise when I got completely the opposite reaction. We can’t ignore that in some families it does happen, but I think it’s less likely to happen these days.
Once upon a time I enjoyed an angry verbal argument. I have since changed. Like yourself I simple walk away. I do hold a grudge, once I am treated badly by someone’s behavior, they are dead to me.
I am happy our son had the courage to speak out and let us know. All the best.
It’s great to read this, Hugh, and to know what it was like for you. It’s good to know you always had friends to help you through.
Yes, friendships are such an important part of our lives, Esther. Having somebody to talk to is always a big help.
I’m glad you’re enjoying this series. I see it as a bit of LGBT history.
What a journey you’ve had, Hugh. And I commend you on your bravery and honesty. So glad you weren’t shunned by all. Thanks for sharing.
When I look back, it’s been an incredible journey, Jan. I’m certainly somebody who feels they have lived life.
I’m so glad your mother was supportive and loving, Hugh. Although it’s much better now, unfortunately there are still those who are less so.
Yes, unfortunately, there are still some in society who promote hatred towards those who are different, Cathy. But things are much better for the LGBT community now than they were in the 1980s, although, sadly, in some parts of the world it is still a criminal offence.
I was certainly lucky that it was my mother who I came out too first.
I wish people would just live and let live…
One day, hopefully, it will happen, Cathy. But knowing the human race, I think it’s a long way off at the moment.
I fear you’re probably right.
I’ve learned so much from reading your posts on this subject and it has helped me understand better how tough it must have been. Do you think the fears around AIDS in the 80’s impacted on people’s views? I don’t intend this as any excuse for people’s behaviours, but wonder if it had a subliminal affect on how people thought about homosexuality.
Paul, I think it did, a little, even though it wasn’t only gay people dyeing with AIDS. I remember going to a funeral of a friend’s sister who was married with children. She passed away with AIDS, yet nobody wanted to comment about the fact that she was heterosexual. And, of course, many drug-users also got infected when sharing needles. But I think the main reason why people acted like they did about homosexuality, was because they didn’t understand it. And given that it only became legal in 1967 in the UK for two men to sleep to together, that also played another part.
Good point. I think sometimes it takes a generational change for opinions to filter and change.
That’s very true, Paul.
Sendings hugs and kind thoughts Hugh for all the occasions when family and others were unkind, judgemental and horrid. I am though so glad that your mother and stepfather were so brilliant, and that in time other members of the family also came round to seeing you for who you are, which is fabulous.
I’m glad that it was my mother I told first, Becky. Both she and my Stepfather were very supportive of me, although, sadly, because of other family members, I didn’t get to see them as much as I wanted. What made me know that everything was going to be okay that day I visited her after telling her I was gay was that she’d got my favourite biscuits for me.
The magic and love of non verbal actions :-)
Hugh, I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. I would have acted like your mother, with big hugs and lots of love. I’m glad more people understand that being gay isn’t a choice, it’s biological! xx
I think things are much better now, Colleen. Not for everyone, but certainly the majority of people will accept a friend or family member for who they are. When I came out in the 1980s, things were very much different. I’m thankful that it was my mother I told first. Although, sadly, because of other family members, I had a lot less contact with her than I would have liked.
Wonderful that your mom was so welcoming when you came out — even that she wanted to check out a gay bar! But sad about other members of your family, and what incredible denial from the letter writer who claimed “It’s not the sort of thing that happens to men in our family or area.” Riiiight. Then, on a completely different and welcoming direction: friendship. Amazing to have a “found family” of friends who accept you and love you for who you are. Thank you for sharing this life story with us readers.
I was lucky that my mum was the first family member I told I was gay, Dave. I’d hate to think what would have happened if I’d told my father first. I was also very lucky to have a mother who accepted me for who I was and not who she wanted me to be.
Given where I bought up as a child, I can understand why the letter writer said that. I never witnessed any talk about gay people or gay life while I was growing up. It could be that the ‘not knowing or talking’ attitude made him write what he did. I don’t know if he ever met or thought he’d met a gay person. He probably had, but just had no idea. As you righty say, there must have been gay people where he lived.
No, you can’t choose your family but your mother was a marvel. You were lucky in that respect, based on other stories I’ve heard. You did the right thing – accept the slings and arrows and move on. The people who truly loved you came through.
I’ve heard some awful ‘coming out’ stories too, about families and friends disowning people who came out to them. Although I don’t hear too many of those stories today, but know that it still goes in. I’m thankful that it was my mother I chose to write to about being gay and not any other member of the family.
Hearts to her.
sad to say, this is a similar story to many of my gay friends over the years. what a sad loss for all, not to accept someone they love, based on who they really are. I’m glad that some finally accepted it, but all of the years, and unsaid things, must have been incredibly hard. when they said, ‘we don’t have anyone who is gay in our family/group/town,’ you know that to be wrong, perhaps they have chosen not to come out due to the negative attitudes around them. I’m glad you’ve met and created a loving family around you to support and love you
Things were very different back then when I got that letter, Beth. Attitudes and acceptance towards gay people were very different, given that it was only in the 1960s that being gay in the UK was decimalised. I can’t imagine what life must have been like for gay people before then. Strangely, the law only applied to men, not to women. I read somewhere that it was because Queen Victoria believed that no woman could be gay.
What is left of my family now accept me for who I am. But I was taken in by my partner’s family who always accepted me and my partner as a couple since we first met in 1993. I was very lucky to have found a loving partner with a family who never judged anyone for who they were.
I enjoyed reading this post as I identified with it. I came out much later in life, after having a family. At first my mother didn’t accept it, and distanced herself from me. Eventually she realized that I was the same son she always had, and she has become supportive. It helped her accept my partner when I got cancer and he stayed with me through all of the treatments. She even came to visit us this past February and stayed two weeks. Other members of my family haven’t been so accepting, but like you said, it is their loss.
Thank you for sharing some of your own story with us.
I used to date a man who had two sons and remember being amazed that his wife, sons and his parents were very accepting of who he really was and of me. And that was back in the 1980s when things were even harder. Unfortunately, that relationship did not last very long for other reasons. But I’m glad he finally found the perfect man to share the rest of his life with.
I’m so pleased that your mother recently stayed with you for two weeks. As for those other members of your family, never worry about them.
I have had to let a lot go when it comes to worrying about what other people think of me.
Same here. It the best attitude to take. Never waste your life worrying about what people think about you.
“I accepted that I had to allow them to live their lives as they wanted.”
It’s a shame everyone can’t adopt that same attitude.
I agree, Dan. And often, they are the people who lead awful lives and are too afraid to ever accept that other people may be different.
Oh Hugh, I just have no words. I can’t imagine what it was like to be rejected by family in that way, but I’m so pleased you were able to be accepting and understanding of their position and the attitudes during the times they lived in.
I am just so glad that attitudes are changing, at least in the UK. It’s not always the case in countries we visit abroad.
Thank you for sharing your story.
It was the 1980s when I came out and things were so different back then, Jacqueline. I find incredibly sad that in some countries, being gay is still a crime, and often comes with the death penalty.
I enjoy sharing these snippets of my life as a gay man. I should add that there are many happy moments in my life too. It’s not all doom and gloom, as readers will find out as the series continues for the rest of the year.
You are always so positive, Hugh. But I think it’s important for people to understand what you went through in the 1980s. It’s how things remain in some countries around the world today; in some places much worse, as you say, plus, there is still bigotry to overcome in the UK.
It’s all just about understanding those who are different from ourselves.
I completely agree with you, Jacqueline. Even here in the UK, there is still hate crime against the LGBT community. And in some comprehensive schools, education about LGBT people is still banned as if being gay does not exist. And some people still live as if it’s the 1970s where attitudes towards women and other groups were just as bad.
Sadly so :-(
I so admire your mother and her attitude. Proof of the unconditional love of a mother. It’s great that you are writing about your experiences, especially for younger folks to give them encouragement to be themselves. xo
I only hope all mothers are the same when one of their children come out as gay. In today’s world, it’s more acceptable (depending on where you live), so shouldn’t be as much of a problem.
I hope these posts do help, Darlene. That’s why I also added some support information in this post.