March 1978
“Do you play rugby?”
That was the first question I was asked at my first-ever interview for a full-time job.
“And what about girlfriends? How many do you have?”
That second question was just as easy to answer as the first. Yes, I had lots of girlfriends, but probably not in the way my future handsome boss was asking.
But worse was to come.
Two weeks later, I started my job as an office junior and settled in quickly, but I had to hide the fact that I was gay.
I did everything I could to stay in the closet. I had to make sure nobody suspected. I even made jokes about rugby balls being bent to the office manager, a strange-looking man who was years ahead of being one of the professors from Harry Potter. I felt ashamed of myself, but it was something I thought I had to do to protect who I was.
But, worse still, I made these jokes in front of a colleague who everyone in the office (apart from me at the time) suspected was gay. Nobody wanted to mention the elephant in the room.
At first, I didn’t realise Paul was gay even though he spoke about Kenny a lot. One day, he took a telephone call from Kenny; the secretary opposite looked at me and made a limp wrist impression while pointing her eyes towards Paul. I was made to feel very uncomfortable.
But it wasn’t until I witnessed the first injuries Kenny inflicted on him that I knew for certain that Paul was gay. I’d overheard other telephone calls from Kenny that sometimes seemed affectionate and other times abusive and threatening. But I continued to believe they were simply housemates. However, as the injuries mounted, I had my suspicions.
Although Paul would come into work with injuries such as a black eye, nobody asked any questions. However, the staff would give each other strange looks. I was desperate to ask Paul (or anyone else) about his injuries and violent boyfriend, but a strange atmosphere in the office whenever Paul came in injured kept my mouth firmly shut. It was as if the whole office were ashamed to talk about it. Nobody cared about him.
I’d witnessed men being violent towards their wives and girlfriends before, but never seen a man being the victim of domestic violence by another man. This and my work colleagues being ashamed to talk about Paul’s life outside of the office made me sad.
But, shortly after, when I overheard my handsome boss on a telephone call saying that he was sacking Paul, not because of all the off-putting injuries he couldn’t allow clients to see but because Paul was a homosexual (but said in a degrading way), I knew my whole life could be blown apart if anyone suspected I was gay. After all, not even my family knew.
The following day, Paul failed to turn up for work, and my boss informed us that he’d sacked Paul for breaking company policy.
‘Policy? What policy?’ I wanted to ask. Was nobody else going to ask? Nobody did, and it had me wondering if one of the company policies was that no employee could be gay.
Gone were the chances of speaking to somebody else about the terrible life I thought I led by believing that I would always be lonely and never have anybody to talk to about who I really was. But my life was nowhere near as terrible as Paul’s.
A week later, I handed my notice in.
September 1986
My fourth full-time job was my second venture in retail, but it differed from the first. Instead of working in a small shop with only four other staff (including me), I worked in a large department store, one of London’s biggest.
On my first day, I immediately felt at home. Even the three straight guys I was working with in the typewriter department welcomed me with open arms when I announced my name, followed by telling them that I was gay.
“Oh, we already know that,” they announced, “and it doesn’t matter to us. Why should it? You’re amongst friends here.”
I felt like I’d left prison and was free again.
But I felt even more welcomed on my morning break that first day. Sitting down and pouring myself a cup of tea from a bright red plastic teapot, I felt like I was sitting on a throne as staff came over to introduce themselves.
From guys who I’d never have guessed were gay and who would have looked better working on a construction site to flamboyant guys who could have been the twin of Mr Humphreys from the TV comedy, ‘Are You Being Served?‘ all introduced themselves and cracked jokes about each other resulting in lots of laughter. They even put their arms around my shoulders, hugged me or shook my hand. What a welcome this was. Far different to previous jobs.
“You looked rather overwhelmed,” said Robert, who decided he was taking me under his wing. During that 30-minute break, I must have made over 20 new gay friends, more than I’d made in my entire life.
And on that first evening, after the store closed, I was whisked away to a gay bar, a stone’s throw from the store, where all who had introduced themselves to me that morning were enjoying drinks and having a great time.
For the next three years, I enjoyed every day of that job. Never once did I fear somebody finding out I was gay. I could be who I was. I made even more friends and had the time of my life. So why, then, did I feel the need for a change?
November 1989
Back to the world of office jobs, my next job meant more money and the vital fact that I no longer had to work every Saturday. That meant I could go nightclubbing on a Friday night and not worry about getting up for work the following morning.
But from the moment I sat at my desk that first morning, I was whizzed back to my first job in 1978.
For the next ten years, I once again found myself hiding the fact I was gay from all my work colleagues because none of them ever mentioned anything about gay life. But why should they? Although I was living in London, probably the safest place to live in the UK as a gay person, some of the staff seemed somewhat too conservative for me to declare I was gay. Some of them would have keeled over or had to go for a lie down in a quiet room for the afternoon if I’d told them. That’s how they seemed.
Even the primarily young women who worked at the front reception desk and switchboard, whom I’d grown very friendly with, believed I was a jilted bridegroom (I’d found out later), so I never mentioned any girlfriends to them.
It wasn’t until 2001, after winning an online competition and taking my work colleagues out for a lunchtime drink to celebrate, that one of my colleagues looked me straight in the eyes and asked, “Can I ask you a personal question?” She said this in front of the whole team, and I knew what was coming, yet I felt unprepared for it.
“Umm, yes.” I hesitated.
“Are you gay?”
The bar floor opened for a split second and swallowed me while I thought about how to respond.
I had visions of my first boss and that conversation I’d overheard him have in 1978. But this time, I was in London, not in the same place I was in 1978, where I believed nobody else was gay.
“Of course I am,” finally came my reply.
“I thought so. I told you all Hugh was gay,” she announced to the team. “You owe me £25, Adam.”
What shocked me more than the fact that Stacey had bet money on me being gay was how life carried on as if nothing had just happened after I’d answered her question. Even though I’d just come out to the whole department, they continued enjoying the drinks my prize money was buying. I wondered if I’d wasted the previous 11 years not coming out of the closet.
Six years later, all of my department wished me well as I left work the day before my partner and I had our civil partnership. They’d even held a ‘Hentag’ (stag and hen combined) party for me and sent me on my way with cards and gifts for my partner and me.
Notes from the author.
If you’ve heard the saying ‘sign of the times,’ this post covers three time periods in my working life where society’s views towards homosexuality were different. It also depended on where you lived and worked at the time. What happened to me in my first full-time job was unpleasant, yet I’ve since come to accept it as it was during that time.
Fast forward to 1986, and although times and society had changed, I had learned that you had to live and work in a particular place to feel safe as the person you were.
Although things should have been better in the job I started in 1989 and continued throughout the 1990s, I believe the scars of the late 1970s stayed with me during that time.
Today, I look back and have no problem about wanting to have protected myself from much of a society that saw being gay as a threat even though they laughed and enjoyed TV appearances of gay people such as John Inman, Larry Grayson and other gay actors and entertainers of their time.
Today, nobody should be afraid of telling their employer or work colleagues they are gay, yet in some areas, such as premiership football, gay people still feel it unsafe to come out of the closet.
One day, I hope that everybody will be welcomed as who they are and not what they are when they start a new job.
Next month: – Family. Coming out to my family was something I feared more than anything else. And while I had good reasons to be afraid, some surprises were in store for me.
If you enjoyed this entry, you may also enjoy reading, ‘True Stories: Gay Memories – The Day My Life Changed.’
Last month, In this series, the subject was boyfriends. Click the link below to read it.
True Stories: Confessions Of A Gay Man – Boyfriends
Boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, partners. At some point, we all have one. The challenge is, how do we know when we’ve found the right one?
Please feel free to ask me any questions by leaving me a comment.
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Hi Hugh, This is the post I’m linking to your attendance this month. It lets people know about the struggles you have gone through in your workplace. That is where we spend most of our time before we retire. It’s important to be in a place that isn’t hostile especially if we have to be there for 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week. I’ve worked in unhealthy environments, but not for long. I was fired the day after I came back from my honeymoon. I’m not sure what he thought but he and I had never dated. I was shocked, but it was a good thing not to have to work in that environment.
I recall a work colleague once saying in his retirement speech that we spend more time in life with our work colleagues than we do with our family, Marsha. That’s frightening thought.
And I’ve witnessed a lot of discrimination towards women in the workplace in my time. Thankfully, these days, bosses that the one who fired you do not get away with it anymore.
True, that was nearly 50 years ago. Yikes!
Wow Hugh! Wonderful personal story! I’m gay also. Well its tough to come out, especially when you don’t know how people will take it!! Xx
Yes, coming out is one of the hardest things many in the LGBT community find hard to do, Carol anne. We never know how people are going to react. But at least far more of society now accept it. As for those that do not, we’re better off without them in our lives.
I’m in agreement Hugh! We’re definitely much better off! And I am glad it is more accepted nowadays. X
I look back now to when I was in my teens and twenties and the prominence of words such as ‘puffter’ and ‘shirt-lifter’ that were part of everyday talk, always of course as a put-down, sometimes to simply describe someone as weak-willed. The shirt-lifter tag still hangs on a little, but it’s odd now to think of them just being a normal thing we heard mentioned.
Your mention of the limp-wrist gesture is something I’ve forgotten but now realise I haven’t seen for many years. It would seem odd to see it now.
How difficult that must have been for you, and I’m glad that from a homophobia point, you feel that things have improved.
They’ve certainly improved, Paul. However, some of the terms you mentioned in your comment are still used, sadly, especially amongst schoolchildren. It’s sad to that many men will not seek help or admit they are suffering from mental health problems because they think it a sign of weakness or even a sign that others will think they are gay. It’s no wonder that suicide amongst men, especially in the 18 – 35 age group is higher than any other groups.
It’s annoying to hear that some of those terms are still widely used. I’m a Liverpool supporter and it always sickened me that my fellow fans bellowed out the ‘rent boy’s’ chant to goad Chelsea fans. I decided to not attend that fixture in the future. But then through media pressure and the comments of the manager Jurgen Klopp it stopped and I remember a fan behind me saying to someone it was a good thing that it had stopped. That heartened me, but from your experience and awareness, we all still have some way to go.
We do, Paul. But progress like the kind you mentioned in your comment is certainly a step forward. It’s sad, though, that Premiership Football is still one place where ‘Coming out’ is something many still fear. Given that gay players have come out in rugby and other sports, I would have hoped that it would have happened by now. However, perhaps we are getting there.
Hugh, Thank you for sharing your experiences. I grew up in the 70s with several gay cousins, I never gave it a second thought. I imagine I was the exception then and unfortunately remain the exception now. My son is gay, he just got divorced, domestic violence. As a straight man but a family with many gay men, the limp wrist jokes never sat well. Sometimes I spoke up and sometimes not. For that I am sorry. I don’t know how people can feel justified in sticking their noses into other people’s lives. I certainly do not have the free time. I simply do not understand.
Danny, I’m so sorry to hear about your son being the victim of domestic violence. I hope he goes on to find a partner who is more loving and caring.
The majority of us do not understand why some people want to spread hate towards others people simply because they’re different and lead different lives I can’t tell you how much I used to get upset with some of the awful comments on some of my posts that deal with life as a gay man and also on my ‘about’ page. Now I no longer allow them to spread their hate or to upset me. Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where we allowed people to love whoever they wanted to love without being judgmental?
Times have certainly changed for the LGBT community over the last 50 years and it’s good that much of society now accept the LGBT community for who they are and not for who they want them to be. Nobody should have to live a life of lies because they’re afraid of being who they are. And nobody should be concerned about what others may think because of who they are.
They were the correct partner the other needed at the right time. It is unfortunate that it ended, I hope his Ex will get the help he needs.
I like to think the culture of hate is in it’s death throes. I try to live my life inspired by Bob Marley and John Lennon. Maybe one day.
How sad you felt you had to hide who you really are, Hugh. I’m glad you came out of the closet which had to be a liberating feeling. Unfortunately, the world is full of those who feel they have the right to judge others for no reason except to satisfy their own ego. Thank you for sharing your experiences and I commend you for your courage in doing so.
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“The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.”
-Conan O’Brien
I’ll talk more about ‘coming out’ in my next post in this series, Eugi. However, you are right that it is a very liberating feeling when you do ‘come out.’ But some people do also have a horrible ‘coming out’ experience.
I’m fortunate to live in a country where same-sex marriages are legal. Whereas in some countries, homosexuality is still a crime, sometimes punishable by a death sentence. I hope that one day, every country in our world accepts people for who they are and how they live their lives.
You are fortunate, Hugh, and I have the same hopes! We should be what we want and are meant to be.
It saddens and astounds me, Hugh, that people judge from one’s sexuality. I’m glad there is more tolerance around … on the whole. ( I can’t tell you how angry your first job experience made me – and I wonder where those people are now, and whether Paul ever escaped. But perhaps reading that triggered my fears from memories of escaping my childhood life by getting married to a lovely chap.) You’re a good, kind human being, it’s such a shame your father didn’t show you the way to value yourself as a young man. Still, very glad you’re comfortable in your life now. Hope to see you aound the book fairs sometime?
It’s a sad fact that it still happens today, Judith. Although most of society now accepts the LGBT community, there are still pockets that incite hatred because people are different. And instead of getting on with living their own lives, they try and inflict as much hatred as they can towards those they do not accept and who they see as a threat. I still get vile and hurtful comments and direct messages on my blog from people who don’t accept me as I am. I never read all of their messages because they are not worth my time, but it’s sad that some people chose to be nasty and horrible towards others online.
Unfortunately, I never did see Paul again. so I don’t know what happened to him. And I never saw anybody from that firm after I left, although I did briefly encounter the wife of one of the staff, but I was too afraid to tell her what her husband was like towards not only gay people, but also towards women as a whole. I doubt their marriage will have lasted very long.
When we came to Swansea to live, I was a little concerned how people would view John and I. But I’m pleased to say that never once has anybody been nasty or abusive towards us because we’re a same-sex couple. Our neighbours are brilliant and include us in all parties, weddings and celebrations they have. We do sometimes get the odd strange look when we’re out and about (usually from older people), but we carry on with our lives and don’t allow anyone to take away our happiness as a couple.
You’re so right to ignore anyone who doesn’t add anything positive to your lives, Hugh. Such people are really not worth any attention. xx
I completely agree with you, Judith.
As a person exiting high school in San Diego, CA in 1978, I knew very little about homosexuality. I think you mentioned in another post there were laws in the UK “banning” homosexuality in public places. It wasn’t until1983 at a class reunion did someone tell me a fellow classmate had died of AIDS–he was gay. At that point in my life, thinking back on Tony, he was very clean-cut, fashionable, athletic and put together (much more so than most of the silly boys)–I had no idea at the time, but the lightbulb went on in my head and I was simply sad about the whole situation. It wasn’t until the mid-90s when my youngest brother came out to me, that I thought much more about this. I told him I wasn’t surprised. Funny how our brains work. At my work from the mid -80s until I retired in 2015, many co-workers were gay. I never really batted an eye knowing who they were. Literally it was WHO they were.
A heartfelt tale of your experience as a young gay man, Hugh. Trust me there are still prejudices. We attend a small-town, conservative church in Eastern Washington. Do you think I will ever bring my brother and his black husband to church? Nope. It’s still the 1970s there, at least at this church. Oh well. God knows who loves Him.
I went though school without any education about what homosexually was, Terri. It was never mentioned, and what little we were taught about sexual education was all geared towards heterosexuality.
AIDS played a big part of my life in the 1980s and 1990s. I had friends who died from it, my best friend (who I met at the store I worked that I mentioned in this post, included). And then I had a gay friend whose sister also died from AIDS, yet she was married with children. Strangely, society didn’t want to talk about her, which I found very strange. I also had a flatmate who worked as a nurse on one of the HIV wards. He shared stories with me that were heartbreaking.
It’s sad that prejudices still exist, not just towards the LGBT community but also towards women, the disabled and those with different coloured skins to our own. I also witnessed one of my bosses being discriminative towards two female colleagues simply because they were asian. They ended up leaving the company, whereas it my boss who should have been the one who was dismissed.
I also recall an incident where I was out walking holding hands with my boyfriend while a girlfriend of mine held hands with her boyfriend. “That’s disgusting,” were words we all heard from behind us. When we all tuned around, it turned out the man who said them was not referring to my boyfriend and I holding hands, but was directing his comments at my white girlfriend and her black boyfriend.
I think it would be much harder to come out in 1978 than today as being gay doesn’t hold the stigma it once did. The education of society too often moves at a snail’s pace.
You’re right, Pete, it was much harder for the majority of people to come out as gay or bisexual back in the 1970s. And whilst things have improved a lot, it’s a shame that some of society still class those who are not like them as a threat.
I just got into a relationship with a woman 1 yr and a half ago it took me a while to come out with it but when I finally did wheww did I go through it!! All the questions it was a lot however I’m glad i did
I’m pleased to hear you took the plunge to live the life as you and not how you may have thought other people wanted you to live.
Congratulations on finding a loving partner too. Enjoy every single second.
I will thank you 😊
Hugh, unfortunate what you faced in your jobs. Hiding you were gay. In the mid 1990s I had a gay friend in my master’s in counseling class. We had a solid connection professionally and personally. I accepted people for who they were. I think today, it does depend on where you live and whether people are narrow minded or accept gay people. That can shadow the person’s great attributes, personality and talents. I go for the attributes. You have those! 📚🎶 Christine
Thank you, Christine. Wouldn’t it be nice if people didn’t incite hate just because somebody is different or leads a different live to themselves? However, much of society has come a long way since the 1970s. As for the parts that are still stuck in the 1970s, they are best left alone in their hateful world.
Agree, totally. It’s usually those who hate their own lives that are stuck in the 1970s. Their hate spreads to other’s life styles. 🙄😟
I agree, Christine. That’s why I keep my distance from those types of people. I’ve had to block quite a few of them from my blog too.
Well, I for one am happy times have changed! I’m sorry you had to stay in the closet so long at work, to feel safe, Hugh. But, I also agree that some prejudices existed because of the times. It still happens now, unfortunately. When people are raised a certain way with certainty values – or the lack thereof – it affects how they react and what they tolerate. Being open minded, liberal, respectful, and tolerant just doesn’t seem possible for everyone, apparently.
That’s very true, Liesbet. When I think back, homosexuality was never discussed when I was growing up, even though there was evidence of it on the TV, often the whole family would laugh at it as it appeared mainly in comedy shows, yet away from TV, it was never discussed. I had no idea what my parents views were, although I would later find out when I came out to them.
Thank you for sharing this, Hugh. One of my friend’s son is gay and he is always fearful of people finding out and how they will react. He shouldn’t have to feel like that. You are so right; let’s hope that one day all discrimation will be outlawed.
You’re welcome, Esther.
I can understand how your friend’s son feels, especially about coming out to his friends. It’s a very daunting process that takes many gay people a longtime to conquer. And you’re right about how it should never be like that. I hope that he has someone he can talk with about it. There is also a lot of support available from LGBT groups.
Thank you so much for that, Hugh.
So sad that you had to go through all that Hugh. In 1980 I worked as a receptionist at a hair salon in Holborn and every single guy that worked there was gay. We enjoyed a great social life (mainly in Covent Garden and Soho) with no trouble at all for the gay guys — thankfully. And since then, throughout my nursing career, I’ve had lots of gay friends. My grown-up sons still call my best friend Aunty Michael cos they already had an Uncle Michael :) We’re all still great friends now and I can’t imagine not having them in my life.
Since leaving Scotland at 18 due to the narrow-mindedness of people, someone being gay is just normal to me. I’d love to have met you way back then Hugh, I can imagine us being pals :)
1980s London was a place that much of the gay community saw as a safe place to live and work, although there were still awful moments that I will talk about in upcoming posts.
I was working up the top end of Oxford Street in the late 1980s, so our paths may have crossed. I’m sure we’d have had great times and nights out had we known each other.
It’s good to hear how much fun and how your work colleagues were living great lives and that you are still friends with Michael who your family also love. It sounds like you have many happy memories of that era of your life.
Earl’s Court in London is another place where I always felt safe. I lived there for 2 years after falling in love with it. All I’ll say is that I was like a kid in sweet shop while living there.
It must be terrible hiding yourself everyday and fearing to be “recognized” it. But how liberating and refreshing to experience to complete opposite too. That’s so wonderful. Simply being!
Many people still do hide, Erika, especially in some faith groups and communities. It’s sad that it is still happening in the 21st century.
But much of society has come a long way since my experiences of the treatment of the LGBT community in the 1970s. That is something I am truly grateful and thankful for.
Indeed, sadly some governments even make steps back then forward. Even over here the prince’s family is very “conservative” and strongly connected to the catholic church. Thank God, our government is different and so is the majority of people here. It is finally time to say goodbye to old thought pattern that don’t make any sense anyway. People only repeat what others said in their family, religion, culture. As soon as they begin to think by themselves, this problem will dissolve instantly. Still, I am so glad that a lot has changed already.
Very true, Erika. We humans can sometimes be herded into the way we think and it can be difficult to break away for fear of what might happen if we do. But breaking that string often leads to freedom and a different view of our world where we see and encounter much more positivity and love and much less negativity and hate. Negativity and hate does nothing but tie us down and makes us angry, sad and not who we really are.
Exactly, negativity and hate only get us in a viscious circle of negativity and hate… it only destroys. So, becoming aware of that and breaking the curse is the only way to have freedom and peace in this world.
It’s so hard having to start a new job – you never know what prejudices your co-workers or bosses might have. Even worse if you have to hid who you really are! Generally being gay is not an issue in the SF Bay Area – I can’t recall ever being in an office environment where there were no gay people! But I do remember Lauren (who was formerly Rick) telling me she was petrified to come out as a Trump supporter!
Having visited the SF area a few times, I know what you mean. I see San Francisco as I do London – a safer place for the LGBT community.
It can be difficult knowing why somebody from the LGBT community vote the way they do. It reminds me also of a gay person I knew who joined the Salvation Army at a time when the SA did not tolerate the gay society. He told me he did it to try and persuade them to change direction. Who knows? He may have done.
I think people who don’t know any better think that gay people are all liberal leaning which is not at all true! The Salvation Army is sort of like the Mormon Church! They’ll probably never change.
I agree. Sometimes, it can be like pushing water up a hill. But I know who and where to avoid.
How completely disheartening and disillusioning. You matured in a very bigoted time. At least as a woman, the bigotry was out in the open since i couldn’t deny who I was. You had it harder.
I wouldn’t say it was harder, as I’ve witnessed a lot of discrimination, threat and violence towards woman, even in today’s world. When you think that there are countries in the world where a woman is not allowed to do anything without a man’s permission and that in some countries gay people are sentenced to death because of who they are, it shows that there is still much to be done.
I’m lucky to be living in a part of the world where society on the whole accepts the LGBT community and allows them to go about their lives without treat. But there is always a small doubt at the back of my mind when somebody asks me if I’m married and what the name of my wife is.
No one asks qwhat the name of my wife is! But what if someone did and I said Sue? ;)
I’m pleased to say that when I have been asked and I reply ‘John’, the reaction is usually very positive.
Hugh, I am truly sad that you had to endure the bigotry that attacked who you are. I live in the U.S. and, as you know, we have a mess of people and politicians here who, among other things, want to dehumanize and make rules and laws against the LGBTQ+ community. It is reprehensible to me…I have gay friends who are among the nicest people I know and I think if only everyone could understand that you just want to live your life without judgment, but with complete acceptance and love.
There is still an element of society in the UK who also tell LGBT people how they should live their lives. Instead of leaving them alone, they insist that they live their lives like they do, otherwise they threaten. They stir up hatred not just towards the LGBT community, but to anyone who they feel are different. Yet these groups are often in the minority.
Thank you for reading my post and leaving a comment. Please do not be sad by what has happened to me. Together, we can be much stronger. And, one day, I hope that all discrimination will be outlawed and become something that nobody will tolerate.
I know that if my ex-husband had been able to reconcile his homosexuality, he may have had a happier life.
My life was very unhappy until I came out of the closet. It was the fear of how people would react that stopped me. But as times changed and I found a safe place to come out, it changed my whole life.
Well, he came out to me a few years after we were divorced. Some of his friends mentioned that they knew but never said anything to him. I believe that marrying me was his way of denying it and that somehow it would “fix” him. It was a shame because no one should EVER have to live like that,
I completely agree with you, Annette. But pressure to be who are not comes from a lot of places. My father never spoke to me for over 30 years after I came out (more about that in my next post in this series). A lot of men also find it very difficult to talk to somebody about anything, including problems and mental health) because they see it as a weakness, which I think stems back from the past. And it still exists today. One of the reasons why more men commit suicide than woman.