For the last four weeks, I’ve asked for feedback on the opening chapter of a book I have written.
For those who missed the first four parts, ‘Tales From Under The Rainbow‘ is a novel I started writing in 2012.
An update on Part 4
Part 4 has now been added to the ‘Tales From Under Rainbow’ page. Click here to read the story so far.
Thank you to everyone who left feedback for me. Once again, you all came up with brilliant suggestions, much of which I have implemented.
‘Tales From Under The Rainbow’ follows the adventures of Danny Johnson. Set in 1986, Danny is about to face life-changing events when he travels to live and work in London.
Here are the next 492 words of chapter 1. It continues from where it left off last week, on-board the coach as Danny analyses a flashback in his life. In this part we delve even further into what caused the split-up between Danny and Nick. We’ll also learn a little more about Nick.
Setting the trap had been straightforward.
On a works’ evening out Danny was attending, Nick told him that he’d be spending the evening catching up on some work. As a trade unionist, Nick cared deeply about his fellow workers. He saw it as a way of showing how he cared for others without actually having to say anything. Unyielding with management, Nick ensured none of his fellow workers was ever bullied or sacked for no good reason. He organised strike action, and the workforce respected him for what he did. Even though some suspected Nick was gay, they still looked up to him. Many of the men he worked with never tolerated any homophobia allegations against him. Those that tried got dealt with quickly.
Making a small mark on a half-empty bottle of vodka just to where the level of the vodka sat, Danny went out. It hadn’t mattered where they were going. If the venue played music, Danny could forget about everything and, for a time, dance the problems away.
At the end of the evening, after getting home, Danny noticed how untidy Nick’s usually clean and tidy desk looked. Union papers covered the entire surface. Had they been placed there to make it look like lots of hard work had taken place? It didn’t fool Danny. The vodka bottle held the truth, but it would have to wait until morning. All Danny wanted to do right now was cuddle up to Nick before they officially split up. He still loved him.
Surprisingly, he slept well.
‘Friday, at five past nine, but the evening, not the morning.’ Was that his Grandmother’s voice he could hear? Upon opening his eyes, Danny focused on the clock on the bedside cabinet. Five minutes past nine was the exact time he had been born. How odd that he’d just heard his Grandmother’s voice telling him the time. But she was wrong. It was morning, not evening. Given that she lived hundreds of miles away, he must have been dreaming about her.
He needed a drink of water but realised he’d forgotten to bring any with him to bed. A sudden noise of cutlery and dinner-plates from downstairs startled him. Turning over, he saw Nick’s side of the bed was empty.
One more minute, thought Danny, give me one more minute before I go downstairs and face being a single man again.
But the minute turned into two, which turned into five and then ten. Finally, Danny’s overfilled bladder forced him up and out of bed.
“Coffee, Danny?” called out Nick from the bottom of the stairs as Danny tipped-toed to the bathroom.
Danny didn’t want to reply.
“Danny! Do you want coffee?” Nick yelled.
An awkward pause was followed by what seemed an uncomfortable reply.
“Ah, yes. Better make it black, please.”
Pausing, Danny wondered if he should shower first or just put on a pair of shorts and go and face Nick straight away.
Now it’s over to you.
I’m looking for your feedback on this next part of chapter 1.
- What did you like/dislike about this part?
- Are there any changes you’d recommend?
All feedback is welcome. Please leave me your comments.
Thank you so much.
Click here to read more about why I’m asking for your help in writing ‘Tales From Under The Rainbow.’
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