Warning! – Contains some adult humour.
Ever wondered if your brother, boyfriend, best friend, boss, or that lovely looking man you pass by every day is gay? Here are the top 10 things to look out for in finding out the answer.
- Gay men do not like watching or participating in sport.
- Gay men love baking quiche.
- Gay men always dress well.
- Gay men love to go shopping.
- Gay men love to watch ‘The Eurovision Song Contest.’
- Gay men love to watch re-runs of ‘The Golden Girls.’
- Gay men would never apply for a job on a building site.
- Gay men love the music of Kylie Minogue.
- Gay men can tell you what cardigan best fits the outfit you are wearing.
- Gay men lust after all heterosexual men.
These are just some of the things I’ve been told over the years when asked the question “Are you gay?” and getting one of the above as an answer when responding “why do you ask?”
Let’s tackle each one and see if we can find out the answers, shall we?
1. Gay men do not like watching or participating in sport.
False. Although I’m not a massive lover of watching sport and have never indeed shown any signs of participating in any, that does not mean I am gay. There are plenty of gay sportsmen and women in the world (although, as yet, none in the English Premier Football League – ha!). Anyway, I do like watching some sport, especially when the ball is curved, and there is lots of mud involved!
2. Gay men love baking quiche.
False. How do you know you’ve been burgled by gay burglars? Because when you come home, they will have tidied up and left you a quiche in the oven!
I do like eating quiche, but because I don’t make my own does not mean that I am not gay!
3. Gay men always dress well.
False. While I take great pride in my appearance, you should see some of the outfits my gay male friends wear. Plus, even though I like wearing my flannelette, carpet burns & chocolate sauce proof pyjamas, it does not mean I’m always looking smart. Comfort over style always wins.
4. Gay men love to go shopping.
False. I hate going shopping (unless it’s to the Apple store). No, I’ve come into the 21st century now and do all my shopping online.
5. Gay men love to watch ‘The Eurovision Song Contest.’
False. While for many gay men watching the final of ‘The Eurovision Song Contest’ is the straight man’s version of the ‘The FA Cup final’, I do know of some gay men who prefer watching football to ‘The Eurovision Song Contest.’ *note to self – link back to what you said in point 1, Hugh!* Also, I know many straight men who like watching ‘The Eurovision Song Contest.’ However, getting some of them to admit it is sometimes very hard.
6. Gay men love to watch re-runs of ‘The Golden Girls.’
False. Most do, but so does my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, niece, and Perry (who insists on measuring my inside leg when buying a new pair of shorts!). Some straight people also like watching re-runs of ‘The Golden Girls’, but that doesn’t mean they’re gay. *Note to self – ask Perry if he watches Eurovision next time I’m shopping online for a pair of shorts.*
7. Gay men would never apply for a job on a building site.
False. There are plenty of gay builders, plumbers, electricians, carpenters and labourers out there. Just like there are some female builders, plumbers, electricians, carpenters and hairdressers! Don’t get me wrong, I may have never wanted to be a builder, but it doesn’t stop me from enjoying wearing a hard hat every now and again.
8. Gay men love the music of Kylie Minogue.
False. Many may scream “KYLIE, KYLIE” when one of her songs comes on and dance the night away, but so do some straight men (minus the screaming of course). The difference here is that Kylie has become an icon in the gay man’s world whereas in the straight man’s world somebody like Wayne Rooney or Sir Bobby Charlton may be icons.
9. Gay men can tell you which cardigan best fits the outfit you are wearing.
False. A gay man would tell you never to wear a cardigan. Why on earth would anybody want to wear a cardigan, unless it’s your Aunt Mabel or Great Gran? They are very unlikely to ask a gay man for his opinion on what is best to wear because they are quite happy to make their own choice. And don’t argue with them!
10. Gay men lust after all heterosexual men.
False. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I really do not fancy you or your best man. Yes, some straight men are good-looking and who’d blame me for putting them on my fantasy date list, but what you might find or think is attractive doesn’t mean that I will. Just like the chocolates in a box of Milk Tray, we’re all different. Now, let me give you those directions to Perry the tailor’s shop you were asking me for.
Other than asking somebody, how would you decide if somebody was gay?
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